Being ready

Some people say that opportunities will come when you are ready, but the question that I want to ask is how can you be ready when you do not know what you are gonna be ready for?

It is always easier and more straightforward when you know what you are preparing for. Like say you really want to be part of a performance, you prepare for it, then when you are given the chance, you take it.

But when you don't have anything that you want to do, it becomes very troublesome.

Hmmm.. After typing all these, I came to the conclusion that the important part of all these is that one needs to know what one wants. If not there is nothing to be prepared for.

This search will go on and I will read more books.

Goals and decisions

Things have been quite messy for me these days. And that is why i haven't been able to blog and write down my feelings as often as I wanted to.

After typing that sentence, I have come to realised that it was not because of the fact that I was too busy. It was due to the fact that I have gone into the mode of "Floating". What do I mean by floating, let me explain. Floating is a state where you are doing things on auto pilot mode. You no longer think/know why you are doing it. You are just doing things to perhaps fill up your time or using that activity to avoid the challenges you are facing. Things that are done during the floating state is not productive nor does it serve a purpose in your life. When I mean productive, I am saying that the activity does not make you a better person by your own standard. It doesn't change anything nor does it puts you forward towards a goal. Something this can be seen as being "lost". You suddenly are not wiling to take the appropriate effort and time to persuade something that you truly enjoy.

For me it is singing. Sometimes, I go late for class thinking that it is alright. I have no idea why! I mean, for me, being late is a problem. If one reaches an appointment on the dot, he/she is considered late. It has come to a point whereby I could tell myself that it was alright to go a little later even though I know that it is not right. Decisions get messed up when one is in a float state. People naturally would not put effort into something that he/she does not enjoy or see no point in doing. But when that goal is clear, he/she will be able to make that decision very very easily. To go or not to go. It is that simple. If going makes you a little better and that is what you want, then do it! If not, there would be no reason to go.

To be clear of that goal will need practice. I for one, will lose sight of my goals very often. I get into the  float state very easily. The only saving grace I have is that I am conscious of it when it happens. I am at times, able to bring myself back on track. But it is a very tiring process. From on track to float to track again. I could probably identify some problems that have contributed to this cycle. Perhaps it is that I do not REALLY know what I want from the last time I set myself on the track or my perseverance is very low. Something like when I do something and it does not have immediate results, I tend to get impatient and look for something else thinking that this is not the solution that I am looking for.

To touch on further about me seeing something as not a solution, I look at my gaming habits. When a certain character does not seem to work for me, it get bored and proceed to switch to another. I put in some hours to learn the moves and combos and off I go,; thinking that this is the solution that I am looking for. I have went from king to steve to dragonov to feng. Swee has not touched anyone else except Asuka. His familiarity of Asuka grows each day and for me to learn so many characters, results in me not seeing progress. The progress shows itself in the first few sessions of training, because I am a fast learning and things some to me rather fast, so I see fast results. I get satisfied with the fast results and tell myself that, hey this might be just what I am looking for! But things don't turn out that way. After a short lived victory, things would go down hill from there. I have learned about the character only on the surface but have not fully explored the character.
This transcends into work, in the beginning I thought to myself it was ok to get a low pay as long as I enjoyed the work. Things then started to change, I was not as motivated at work and I am starting to complain on the low pay that I am receiving. So am I telling myself that I made a wrong decision the first time? Or my priorities have simply changed. Perhaps I now understand that money is very important and I would need more to save up for that flat or family that I am preparing to start. Or perhaps I now understand that the people there more and it does not fit my taste.

today after hearing my best friend's gf's dad talk about the character in people, I wanted to give the job a second chance. What I got from the talk was that when you do good, when people know that you are reliable and will be able to stand in if ever another needs to do something else, you will be 'seen' and people would know that this guy has the right attitude. For one thing, I know that I was not putting in my all and things became half fucked after a while. My thinking was, hey if the other party is not gonna support me, then I am not going to support him/her! It doesn't make sense to be the one getting abused right. I have come to a conclusion that I will be the one to tell him/her that I am capable and will be able to deliver. Saying is one thing, but delivering is another.

What I want to do now, is to ask myself again, what is it that I want? and what do I need to do in order to achieve that. I dream. A lot. So much that I am always looking at the clouds as I walk the Earth. NO stairs or ladders built to even attempt to reach the clouds. All I did was say what kind of plans I had but I never acted on them. For once I shall help others to help myself.

I will look deeper into king/armour king and ryu. What is the goal in this one? For one I would like to be on equal footing with bugis people. So I can make my own TTT2 card!
I will be looking at singing more seriously. (In order to achieve my desire to sing live at bars. Because I want peple to enjoy my singing)
Work wise, work out what do I want to learn in the currently company and where would I be going next. Once my goals are set, decisions will be easy. The moment you cannot decide, it would mean that the goal in that aspect of thought is not strong or you don't have a goal for that activity.

In the darkness bind them

So I have started work for almost 2 weeks now. What is amazing is that, I have also started learning to love myself more a few weeks back. When I was still on holidays, it was much easier to look at myself again and slowly rework and re engineer myself. Now that's where the challenge comes!

The challenge is that, I noticed as I started work, it was fun. Things were fresh and I really loved what I was doing. Then as time pass, I started to realize something. I realized that each day in and day out, I was doing the same things! I would wake up go to work then come home have a dinner and a slow shower then I would watch some SC2 or SF4 vids then dota for a while and sleep. The scary part is, it REPEATS for a few days! Yes, being structured is one thing but i can't live like that forever! I have to take control of my life. I was this close to being a robot and be slaved to the mindless system.

I went to read on loving myself again and tried to seek inspiration. Not seek, it was more like lost and found. The inspiration was lost because I had to be at a stipulated time and place (my work place) thus, I lost myself. I slowly slipped away. Not giving a thought to is this how I envision it to be.

I didn't think so.

So! Today, after reviewing my goals and how i want my life to be, I have found my inspiration back. And it is though the delivery of a performance with all my heart. My main goal is to make people happy. It goes back to the 享受. I was listen to Mr. Children's Hanabi. And I remember why I love the song. It was not the melody or the lyrics. It was how they performed. They were all smiles and joy. The audience felt it, I felt it. It was indeed form their hearts. Then I remember the class mate I have that first had me feeling that way. I want to bring that kind of feeling to people.

And I can actually do that with my job! It is also something I enjoy doing. Pleasing people with my sincerity. Perhaps I have had enough of bullshit. Trying to out smart systems or people. Trying to prey on what their weak points and exploiting them. I want to send emails that mean something. I mean, why so serious?!

There are obstacles however, at work superiors want things a certain way and I want things in another. Some are worry warts, some are anal, some just want to make profits. I feel that I do not worry enough and I should improve on it. Not in a sense that I should start being very worried about a lot of things. It is more like creating a better awareness of what I should be doing and know the date lines. For one thing, I work well with date lines. If things don't have a date line, I probably wouldn't deliver. It is not in a negative sense, it is more like, small goals for me to reach bigger ones. I was once told them I am a task oriented person. I perform upon tasks given. Which is true, I would have to agree to that. If I don't have a task, I simply wouldn't be doing it. I shall then set task for myself. Create them. Like placing the foot in front of the other.

For work, I wil make emails fun.
And for those things that I do not have control over, I will find out what the other party wants and act accordingly. Having my ideas is one thing but I don't think I have the right to over write others as of now in the company. I mean, who is this guy who has only been here for 2 weeks trying to do huh? I have been here for a few years! Yes indeed, you could say that they are not open to change or they have the old bird syndrome. You can be pissed about it or simply respect them for being old birds. I think i would do the latter.
I am not a machine and I will take control over my life.
Working is different from schooling and from being on a holiday. But I will face it. And derive fun from it.

Marketing and my design work

Last night I was having some drinking with my cma classmates over at clarke quay. We were talking about how out final year projects and was checking out how each and everyone's project had been going. So when it came to me, I was talking about how my ideas were good but my work simply does not do justice to my thoughts. I had great ideas, that' what I have been told. But I didn't have the visuals to show it. So Joyce(One of my classmates) gave me some insights to this problem that I had. It was a problem cause, it wasn't like I didn't care (well ok to a certain extend I didn't really care) but it was more like I would stare at the work and nothing comes to my mind! Unlike ideas that flow out like water from a broken dam.

She was saying that I should be looking into the visuals and I said yes i agree, but I just didn't have any ideas on that! Things just don't come to me at all! It seemed like she totally understood where my problem lies. She told me, you have to see the visuals of things as important enough so that your campaign can be successful. She continued, the visuals are important in a sense that if your visuals are not there, it doesn't even matter if your campaign idea is cool as shit, people are not going to be interested in attending the campaign in the first place! You have to see the visuals as an important aspect of the whole campaign.

After hearing that, I felt that what she said was true and it totally hit me in the head. I discovered the reason why I couldn't get any ideas for visual is because I didn't see it as important! I didn't think that it would be something that, for a lack of a better word, deserve my attention. Joyce then was telling me how the visuals will be that one that would give the ROI for campaign. How many people would be going and stuff. So without these visuals, your campaign idea can be great but it would be a great pity that no one appears for it.

I have another 2 weeks to the EPA, where external peeps are coming over to look at our campaigns and give feedback. Indeed, the last thing that I would want is for them to think that they are wasting their time listening to me. It's my last effort required for cma and hey, why not just give it one last solid shot huh. No harm in that really. So now I have to look at my campaign and see how I can make it integrated. More solid in a sense that it should be well thought of. Instead of things just being there. So! When can I start doing it? I can start right now. But since I already had plans I should be more practical. I am heading out for the whole day tomorrow as well. so that's a nono. Monday is good, I would be taking a break to collect my passport. Tuesday, a break for my interview. Wed I have something but I cannot remember!!shitt

Oh she was saying dun be too smart also Like dun act smart too much. Just be smart. Yeah kinda like my flaw ah. Shall talk about it more when I have time! Now I gotta run!!

Gonna be singing in a while

Just a little while later, I am going over to some CC that is so far away, I have no idea whether i'll be safe or not. LoL. The previous post I was talking about how I was inspired to sing in such a way that I can allow the people to feel the 享受-ness. Well just a few more hours later is my chance at trying my hands at it. Hopefully, I would be able to even sing in the first place. I'm not too sure of the arrangements but I was told to prepare a song "just in case".

So here I am, not too sure whether I should let the just incase happen or to hope that it doesn't. For one thing, I haven't been practicing a lot. Strictly speaking, I did have sometime to practice the song but I didn't. Those pockets of time, I used them for something else. I'm not too sure what but it just wasn't singing. Not too sure if I should feel guilty about that though. Its like I usually practice singing when I have a lot of time. Idle enough to think "Hey I should practice my singing".

Now I think back at why I took up singing, it was because I wanted an instrument that I could play when I was traveling. At first I was thinking of the harmonica. Which is still an interesting instrument! Which I might wanna learn it but piano take priority over any other instrument that I wanna learn. WELL! Back to prep talking myself for the performance.

I have issues with the rhythm when the music is soft. Plus not to mention my pitching as well. Then I realized, it was not that I couldn't catch the pitch nor I just couldn't understand the beats. It was more of a problem of confidence. I found out that when I do things that I had confidence in, it was more natural and things turn out to be well, better! Or if the way I did it was wrong, I easily learnt from them because I could put all I know into the performance or the activity that I did. When I give all I know, I then know what I can improve and what I am doing ok. When the issue of confidence stands in the way, all I get are lessons that I have already learnt. I know why it is happening, I know how to counter act on them. It's like every time I perform, I do the same things over and over. I think this rolls over to other tings I do as well. Presentations, No problem! I have enough confidence in that and I think I am the most ocnfident when I'm doing a presentation. I know what to prepare, what I need to know and what I need to do. I should put these practices into my singing! and maybe gaming as well.

To those people who say gaming is a waste of time, I agree and disagree. First of all I would like to clarify what is a game... Hmm I should save this for the next post! Genius. Ok you guys would have to hang on to your shoes for this one.

So I would want to give a performance where the people can enjoy. But first I  would have to enjoy it myself! Like 2 days back when my Uni friends and I had a house party. Few of us knew how to play the guitar and so we went at it. I sang all sorts of weird stuff, going into imprompto attempts to change the lyrics without knowing the tune. I just followed the chords. I think I did alright! and when I sang I think I was alright. Strange that the stage that I so love when addressing a crowd could give me the jitters when I'm supposed to do soemthing else there. Think of singing like a different way to talk, a different way to communicate. It is still talking! So I shouldn't have a problem with that. I have the music in me, but when I think too hard, everything goes out the window. So I wil have to go up there and knwo that I can do it and just let my inner self take over and 'communicate!"

Righto. This post was born cos I became distracted when I was suppose to look for inspirations for me design. Designing things don't inspire me. Life and its' challenges do.

Reflections, refractions

I would like to talk about two things today.

First of is about the first time I heard a song sang live and had the feeling of 享受. That means "enjoyment" in chinese. During my sunday singing classes, I've heard some of my classmates sing, which most of them are better than me in many many ways, most of the time I would just go "Wow he can reach that note!" or "oh that's a nice song." But that time round, it was different. It was the first time in my life, I felt that I was enjoying the song! Like, it was not about the technics or what -nots. It was rather me listening to a person sing a song! I know it's a very general statement but I will try to put what I felt into words.

For once, I was listening to the "music" as a whole perhaps i'm not too sure of it myself either but it was definitely something that I have not experienced before. She was singing 新不了情. It was a popular song and all of us could very well sing along. At times, I would sing along (softly) as my classmates were presenting their song. But, as you can guess, not this time! I was listening to every word, every note, every beat. It wasn't like "Oh how can I learn to sing like that?" It was more like "This is how singing SHOULD be!" It should be an enjoyment, for the person singing and the audience. It was a connection. I know people talk about singing or any arts form in that matter, as a connection between the performer and the audience. I roughly understood what it meant, but this was the first time that I have experienced it.

Well, a little something random about me, is that I am a a person who values the experience. You could ask me to take pictures to remind myself of the place or to take a picture and show it to my friends. But no matter how beautiful a picture is, or how artistic a photo is, the person looking at it will never ever have the same feeling as the person who was there, taking it at that time. For me, with my lousy camera skills aside, have always thought that the pictures do not do justice for how I felt at that time. It may be due to my lack of camera skills. That is true I would say. I simply cannot capture what my mind has captured at that point of time! I could not capture my own emotions and thoughts at the point of time when I am at a particular place. I just couldn't do it. Thus I have always cherished my experience rather than my photos. I rarely took photos. Even if I did, it would be just 1 or two, but when I'm in a state of awe, I would be simply savoring the beautiful feeling that I was feeling right there and not do anything else. A few examples come into my head right now, the lake at China I visited sometime ago, waterfalls, the vietnam boat trip, my sky diving trip in Australia and finally the feeling of enjoyment from hearing a song sang live. It is perhaps why people keep returning to concerts again and again even if it was always the same songs.

I wanted to achieve something like that. I want to bring enjoyment to the audience through either my presentations or through singing. Maybe I could do this for my street fighter as well. I'm not too sure how far I can extend this "enjoyment" idea but I will try it out. That's another thing for me to keep on my wristband. I would imagine that I would need more wrist bands. I shall get myself one later today.

Another thing that I wanted to talk about was how when I get lose and my temper shows, I cannot AT ALL control myself. I would go into a trance. Not caring about anything at all. IT was not to show off, niether was it a REALLY big issue that I had to be such an ass. I have lost it once before at a popular sale and after which regretted on my behavior after it had happened. This time aroudn it happened again because when the bill came, we were charged on items that we were told early that it was on promotion(somewhat, i'm not going into details here). So I felt cheated! Yes I believe that the feeling of being cheated gets me crazy. The feeling that someone gave me wrong infomation and I end up in situations like this. I go all mad and started to act irrationally. My friends joked about it for a while and I was telling myself that "Hey, this is what I will get pissed for. That's who I am." I believed that for a while. Following that I felt a little guilty, I felt that I could have handled the situation a little better. I mean why be so pissed? Unless the person is not reasonable, there would be no reason for me to get all hot headed. Everyone makes mistakes, why can't I be a little more forgiving? Then again, I always thought myself to be a very easy going person, I would be alright with how things turn out from time to time, I could just take it and see if we could fix it by talking it out. But when it comes to being cheated or having the feeling of being cheated, I just can't take it.

And so, I am at the cross roads of, Being myself or try to be someone better. I am now edging towards being someone better. Because that being myself and going all crazy was not what I wanted. I felt guilty afterwards. And I know there would be no point for my to say sorry online where nobody sees it.  And chances are, I wouldn't go back there just to say sorry as well. But I would change the way I would behave if ever the same situation arises. If it made me guilty, why do it? I feel that this may be the hardest thing I would have to tackle because of the fact that the feeling is so much embedded in me. It was more like instinct rather than a thought process. It was loud an ferocious. It came like an ambush and tore everything apart. And only when the screams faded, a dead silence covered my mind. It was like how a werewolf after killing everything and the moon wanes and he begins to turn back, only to find his dead family's blood on his own hands.

I will attempt to tame this werewolf and on the next full moon, it will not see the day. or night in this case. And of course! I will also be trying to bring the feeling of enjoyment through my singing to people as well! Now at least I know where I am going for my journey of singing. bEfore that, it was more towards showing off and trying to get the right notes out. Things that were too technical and were not in anyway "organic" as singing should be.

On the idea of good mood

I am sitting at my computer table with the new lights in my room and listening to piano pieces.

Well, you've guessed it! Final Fantasy piano pieces people. This time round I didn't start with the piece "Ahead on our way" but instead I went straight to "Melodies of Life". And yes indeed, today I am going to blog about ya know, the "Melodies of Life". A friend of mine once said, "You know what's missing in our lives? A background music." That got me thinking... I was thinking, oh yeah! How nice would things be if there were background music attached to your life. But then again it would be weird cos you will not get a moment's peace. Even if you did, it would natually mean suspense and something frightening is coming along your way.

But anyhow~ I wanted to blog about something that happened to me today that contributes (for a lack of a better word) to my journey of loving myself. So I went to my night class and as I sat down, my friend was telling me, "Wah good mood ah." I was kind of surprised to hear that! I was confused at the same time ass well when she told me that. I thought to myself, "Hey I'm not smiling like an idiot am I?" It was then I realised that I was actually singing while I walked into the class room and only stopped when she commented that I was in a good mood.

My thought process was as follows.

I was singing cos, I dunno I just liked it and enjoy it very much.
So does that mean that singing = good mood?
I realised, no.
It was more like me doing what I wanted to do!
Me doing things that I wanted and not what the society dictated.
I was just singing! (Not VERY loudly but enough for my friend to hear it.)

So I felt quite good for a while, because that statement that my friend made, was to me, like a "Level up in loving myself". It was like a feedback. The feedback told me, "Hey you are doing a good job! You are starting to do what you wanna!" So after that episode, I naturally got even happier and continued this journey of loving myself more.

There are however, the hours that I felt like I was reverting back to the old me. The one that left me feeling that I was wasting a lot of time on things that didn't matter. At that point of time, I went online to read the articles on loving myself again and tried to steer myself back on track. I then stumbled upon a suggestion of wearing a wrist band to remind myself of the positive thoughts. This is how it works. When ever I start having negative thoughts and reverting back tot he old me, I would shift the wrist band to my left hand. This is to remind me that I have to start shifting my thoughts back. And when things are on track once more I would switch the wrist band to the right hand where it tells me that I am doing a good job and should keep things that way. I tried it out and hey waddaya know, so far, so good!

I shall continue to go on this path and to make it part of my life as sub consicously as I can.

And oh! I realised too that when I am doing the things I want to do, I end up with more time on my hands! I no longer feel that omg! I just wasted so much time on _____! Now I feel in control and I feel great about it. Now, I feel like I have all the time in the world to do whatever I enjoy doing. Great stuff! and Good job me. hahahahahah

Alright, as much as I love to bathe myself in this new light(loving myself and the physical light in my room) I must get to sleep. But I doubt I can, at least not for the next few minutes as I am TOO FREAKING excited about Dominion!!!

Self-taught art of loving myself

So then again folks, I can see some activity on my blog. People actually DO visit! But I just guess it is just the HR people doing some checks on this dude who just sent his resume in. Hi there!

I've just went back to read even MORE past year posts that I have made in those year. Well, I concluded that it was more "Me" and less "them" although I still like to take care of my friends and the people around me. No wait. Hold that thought. I think the problem, well not really problem but the thing that changed was that I started to learn more and know more and that influences me and my actions.

How so you may ask.

For a start, I used to do many things that I like to. Dring the poly days it was being in the club. Having fun with friends at events. I never did look at anything else then. I could say that I was less sensitive to the people relationships around me. These relationship at that point of time was more "real" so to speak.
The relationships and the things that I said and do were less engineered. Of course this had it's pros and cons. One significant part of that is I would miss out on opportunities especially on the matters of love and finding a partner.
Then it struck me one day, a voice said that I would need to put in more effort in the love department and I did. I guess that's when things went down in a spiral.

This spiral took me to a point where I was dependent on other people for my happiness. It may sound serious but its not really THAT serious. But yeah it did affect me for awhile now. SO! so so so! sooooooooo~ One after another, things don't work out as I would have wanted it to and every time something ends, I have this feeling of void. It's like u lose yourself. You get thrown into the wilderness and your phone is dead and you don't have a map. So you stumble around knocking into trees and all, only to eventually realize that you ARE all alone. I wasn't very much like that in the past. I used to do things as and when I wanted to. Everything just seemed more "right" then.

And now? I learned that there are nasty nasty people around this place. And I too learned how to deal with them. I sometimes tell them things that wanted to hear, if I ever wanted to please them. Or be the loud one if the group permits it. I wouldn't say that it was all bad stuff, considering that these skills do make me more popular and I wouldn't kid here, but I do enjoy being in the limelight.

Then came a phase when I just felt tired. Tired of wearing these masks. I had a post on that some time ago. And when I thought I had thing sorted out, this feeling hits me again. This time, however is not as serious as the last. Oh no. This is more like the light at the end of the tunnel. More like I have a destination now. I used to say you don't need to see the end of the stairs to take the first step. It still applies to me now, so I shouldn't have said destination but instead, I can now see the first step in the dark.

Relationship with people around me is very important, I cherish them a lot. What I would give to have all the people I meet be good friends with me. Go out for coffee, do silly things, stay up late for absolutely no reason. But I learned that you can't please everyone. But I wasn't ready to give up, I wasn't ready to say "Oh no sorry, I can't be friends with you." So I went on to talk to people about things that they wanted to hear, so long as the relationship can go on I was willing to do that. But then it wouldn't be fair to them either, I mean no one is interested in having a person lie to them all the time. It's like the advisor that sucks up to the king in the movies. I certainly did not want to be either one of them.
And so I derived that everyone should be entitled their opinions. And so whenever there is an argument, I would listen to their side of the story and think in their shoes before tell them how I feel about the situation. Most times people do not listen. Especially people who are older than me and think that the years that they have lived more than me in this world is enough to silence my voice and shut my views. I do agree that experience is indeed handy. Experience lets you do things faster, better and more confidently. And when you are confident, things that you do would be beautiful. But this experience also shackles(thanks dota for teaching me new words) them down, so heavily that they are no longer able to fly, to know more, they become so afraid to fail because failing without experience is okay but failing WITH experience is not. Thus the term old birds. (It's just my interpretation but it sounds freakin cool)

I would add that it is not their fault. How they are acting now is a result of how the society acts. And when I say society it means you, you, you and yes! You! Everyone of us is responsible for things turning out this way. (Something I learned studying Sociology) What I ask is simply, for the old bird, open up a little. Doesn't matter to let a younger guy teach u a few things. If you learn from the young, you will be young forever. You are only old if you use this line "Wow youngsters these days..." I mean that's what your elders thought as well when they saw you! So let not be the elder now shall we?

For us "youngsters" would have to let the people around us how we feel. It may or may not hurt them but we need to do a little of PR of course before speaking our mind. Words are the most painful of weapons and they can destroy a person it's worse than murder. If the old birds refuse to hear your opinion of the story, just smile, respect their ideas and move along.

So here I am trying to strike a balance between loving me and loving others. For now I am still 70% others and when all my happiness is pinned on external factors, I would never be truly happy. Why should I only beam when I am in a relationship. I should be beaming as soon as I wake up in morning because I am me and I love me.

That which was lost and in the midst of finding again

Reading my blog after a long while never fails to surprise me. I would look at my posts and wonder, "How could I have came up with such things?" I would wonder, "Is it truly me that wrote all that? and Most importantly, I find myself asking, "Was so clear headed in the things I wanted to do?" "Was I that deep of a thinker?" These questions pop up and my head and I realized that the Me now is unable to relate to the post that I have posted then.

Is it because I have grown up?
What is growing up?
Leaving your ideas and ideals behind you and "be mature"?
Or I have lost somethings that were inside me to the social state of capitalism? (If anything, that is the one thing I have learned in my course of sociology. That capitalist makes dreams come true at the expense of others.)

Perhaps I could go with the notion that I have grown up. But I refuse. I simply refuse to be "not me".
If those post were part of me, then the pieces were just lost and not forgotten. As I type this, I can feel a little of them coming back to me. Telling me "Hey old friend, long time no see." There is this warm feeling I have right now that puts a slight smile on my face. Perhaps I do enjoy writing, provided it is about writing about my thoughts. I am a person who respects other people's opinions. That may be wrong or right, but who am I to judge that? (I mean we are putting murderous intents and extreme cases aside but murder or theft may have had begun from a good intention. There is that possibility but we wouldn't be doing Philo 1101 would we now?)

I must give you my apologies as this post is very messy and all over the place. It feels like my thoughts are running everywhere in my head and I have to pen(or type) them down as they appear so as to tame them and stop them from running around wildly in my head. The piano music might be the cause of the thoughts going wild. I'm currently listening to... FF IX piano collection "Eternal harvest". There was this huge pick up in rhythm and tempo and my thoughts, as you might have guessed, went dancing with the music. I am still having my far share of typos. I could never type a whole passage without looking at my keyboard once in a while or without typing mistakes. Well that was it for now for the wild thought i had in my head,

As the main idea starts to surface again, I would think that I had those thoughts (and thus the older post) because I was clear and knew what I wanted or lack? Or was it that I knew what I wanted AND knew what I had lack that would hinder my path to what I wanted?
If that is true, then I have studied University for nothing. They did not make my life better. Either did they enlighten me on this road t\of life that we all must journey. But I do not think that it is their fault as well. The uni is like a giant shopping centre, but instead of clothes, people shop of degrees. It is not their fault in not allowing you to learn anything. When it comes to learning, I would think that one has the responsibly to pick up the learning. I can never teach someone that does not want to be taught. Nor could I keep someone who doesn't want to be kept. Like what they say, it takes two hands to clap and u get a slap with only one. (But hey it still makes a sound so technically your objective is made just that it is in someone else's expenses.)

Perhaps growing up and going into another phase in life, one would be lost. He/she would have to leave the educational world and go into something else. I can imagine that this might not be that simple because of the fact that you have been in school ever since! After almost 20 years of education, you ask yourself "what now?" They tell you work. But is that all there is? I would think that is pretty boring to just study and study then go to work where you spend the rest of your life doing. I do not actually hate working(I haven't started yet) but either am I alright with the idea that I now start the life of working till I die or get bed ridden. So I guess that would mean that I have to find something I enjoy doing and do it as work! BUT! HOWEVER! BUT THEN HOR! Doing nothing and listening to music and having a slow breakfast with friend is not considered productive in this capitalist world system. That is why we have a shortage of happy people here in Singapore. People are so tied down with work, that they simply do not have time for themselves, not to even mention friends. I feel that I have this hate of capitalism for quite a while now. But all I do is tell people that the system is making people sad and I have not been doing anything about it. Could I do something about it? I certainly could but I would need a fire that burns so deep it comes out of my ass. I do not think I have yet acquired that fire. For I do not see a need for it. I am the type of person that enjoys taking advantage of the system. If there is a way around things, I would take that. It just gives me more satisfaction then doing the job the conventional way. Thus in this system, I hope to excel in it. Going into business and going into investments. The rich are doing it. So you have to do it to get rich. I see no point admiring what others have and not finding a way to get out of the shit pool that I am swimming in. It is either I enjoy my swim in that shit pool, or get my ass out of there.

I was reading.. (random I know, but hey if you are still reading this, you are doing fine) ways to love yourself on wikihow. I was struck by the idea that maybe I need a little self love and I went on to google it and clicked on the first link that popped up. So i read through it at 5am last night and slept after that. AT that point of time, I was thinking to myself, hey maybe I could practice some of this and see my life would be any better. A few things that I had want to change was that I would give women more respect and give more freely to charities and the needy. I have to admit, I do not give women enough respect. I tend to feel that they are not as capable as men. That is the truth i need to know about how I really feel. Now that I have faced that feeling, I can change it. And as for the charity matter, it was since the corruption of NKF that I stopped donating all together. People out there are taking these money and using it somewhere else. Which I do not think is very appropriate at all! So to not contribute to that, I decided that I would not donate at all. But I remember a few days ago, I said to someone that, this world is not as dark as they tell you. There are still good people around and many of them but we only often see the bad people and the good ones are not being praised enough. 所为 好事不出门，坏事传千里 Is it that 里 or this 哩 not too sure. Haaha but they sound the same at least. I am sorry. I was always good at speaking but when it comes down to writing I am just not as good. I always feel that I can tell you a message clearer than I can write it down.
And this morning, after I read some of my posts, I felt that I might have loved myself more last time compared to now. It is as though I give people around me more care than I give to myself. However, during the beginning of Uni, I felt that I was giving myself too much and not giving to other. This Uni life of mine has certainly made me taught myself a lot of things. For now I would need to strike a balance. I need to know that I have to love myself and at the same time not give up too much on other people. I do not think that this is an easy task. It is much like singing, I used to be soft and now i am too loud. The balance is hard to strike but I believe once I get it, there will be magic and my life would transform.

Now I have an undying urge to play Diablo 3. But I am trying to say no to that because... I do not really have a "because" really.  I would want to think that it is a waste of time? But I do have fun playing it. Ah! a light bulb just burst. I need a balace in that as well. Currently I have design work that needs to be done but I honestly HAve no idea on what I should do. Instead of waiting for ideas to drop out of the sky, I should try to seek them instead. I have been lucky so far in all the endeavors of my life. I have a loving family, although they may not support in everything I do, but I respect that they are entitled to their own opinion of things and that opinion is always start with the intention of doing whats the best for me. I may not agree at times and I yearn for more freedom. That is why i'm stuck on the idea that I should move out as soon as possible. I should have my own place so that I can make my own house rules. I think I would try to find an apartment not too far from my parents, so I can visit them as and when I want to and they could see me more often as well and at the same time, I can have my whole house rules.

I think that this is as far as my post would go. Here, I review again what I need to change and what I have learnt from this typing session.
I would give women more respect.
Donate and help more.
Keep typing and try to find my pieces back.

This post is very much different from the ones I had last time. This I feel, was more thinking rather than felling. The older post had more feeling inside them. I would say what I feel and not think twice about that. I need to find that back. Because the feeling of doing that is very very satisfying.

It feels that I am truly myself.