Alone

WARNING THIS IS NOT A EMO POST!!

As much as the title look emo ah but it's not actually come to think of it my post is a damn good place to be looking for philo ideas ahahah.

Sometime on this journey, you may start to feel lonely. Maybe it's because you don't hang around friends anymore? Perhaps it's because you don't have friends that you could hang out with anymore.

I would say no, you are not alone.
Perhaps there are some other things that you wish to do? Some other place you need to be? Some other dreams you need to chase....

Back in the days(for me anyway), you would seek companionship before you were to go somewhere or do something. Things usually turn out that the friend(s) did not wish to do that or go the place you wanted and you just give it up without actually thinking much about it.
Don't get me wrong, it is perfectly fine to have had those thoughts. Maybe you just haven't saw something or somewhere you really wanted to have or to be.

So now your phone doesn't ring as much anymore, your Facebook looks kinda boring nothing's new. Emails? I personally don't like emails but those who communicate through emails your mail box get filled with junk or work.
This perhaps is not a sign that you alone and have no friends anymore. Maybe.
JUST maybe!
You are now able to stand on your own. Go where you want to do, go where you want to go.

But of course everyone would love to have someone by their side. Then we can now look at marriage. hahah! No i'm not going to talk about marriage.

I had this bus theory in one my old post.

It's something like you go on this journey of life, you are taking buses with many many other people doing the same.

Buses would mean the new environments that come along your way like a new school or a new working place.

The people we meet in real life(RL) are the passengers of the buses and so are you.
You meet some people who you like to hang out with on one bus. Then at the end stop of that bus, you decide... "hey where you all going huh? Oh there ah ok lo go together lo."
Chances are that's how most people will think when they are still young and stuff. Without a goal in life, people usually follow the one that SEEMS to know where he/she is heading.

So the few of you take another bus together but what happens to the other passenger in the previous bus? Those are the friends that we lose contact from. Those will be the friends that you will only see when furnels for your generation begins.

Then this would continue, hopping from bus to bus untill, for some, one day finds out where he/she want to be. Often, then the bus would be full of strangers.

Things to do!

Things to accomplish!

Learn Japanese Language!

Learn to play piano!

Take up Vocal lessons again!

Learn a chim word a day!

The sword broken, now reforged.

I used to have more purpose in what I was doing.

I used to be able to tell what's right and wrong.

I used to still be able to enjoy what life has to offer while doing well for school.

I used to spent so much more time with my family.

I used to not think so much.

Maybe times have changed, maybe I can't adapt, maybe it's just the people around me.

It was easy to blame it all on those excuses. But no. No, it was just me. I have changed.

I didn't want to accept change. I didn't want to get out of my comfort zone. I didn't want to accept new people coming into my life.

I deluded myself with school, thinking going there would result in a better studying environment.

There was a time, I did well in studies, I could enjoy being around with friends, I always expressed myself the way I want to.

There was a time, I could survive loneliness.

Now, my studies are behind, I don't laugh a lot with new friends, I hold back my feelings.

I'm afraid of being alone.

Sad songs only get sadder when I listen to them, cheerful songs sound like noise.

Everything around me is falling apart, the walls crumbling, trapped in my own prison. How I long to be able to be myself again.

Was it the environment that changed me? the people?

No, it was just a choice I made without knowing. That choice now is being evaluated. A journey from the MRT to the bus stop.

I was thinking.. Why? Why can't i be happy? Why can't I be the same? Why am I pushing everything away? Why was I...

Putting on an act?

This act Ends Now

No more will I allow myself to procrastinate

No more will I smile when I don't want to, do something for the sake of doing it.

No more will do something just because others are doing the same.

This time, you will see me.

As myself.

I want to be able to sing at the top of my voice.

I want to make sad songs meaningful, happy songs to boost my spirit.

I want to enjoy every moment now.

I want to be able to know what the lecture is about and tell those around me about it.

I want to do the things I like without having to worry about anything else.

I want to let things go.

I want to strive forward.

I want to learn new things.

I want to laugh with my friends.

I want to have soemthing to remember when I leave school.

I want to have something/one to look forward to when going to a place.

I want my days to past and not regretting not doing something.

I want to be the person to look for help when problems happen.

I want to be the super ai zai person who people used to know.

I want to outshine, outstand, outdo people.

I want to have drive in what whatever I do.

I want to chase a dream again.

These are not wishes nor dreams, I know they are in me but were lost in time. T

here was once I was all those. Why should it be ANY different now?!

These are not wishes nor dreams, I know they are in me but were lost in time.

The fire burns as I think of this.

A fire doused months ago will reignite.

The sword that was broken will be reforged.

The flame has been rekindled.

Now you will see me as myself.

I have resumed control.

我是我自己的神，在我活的地方。

I will no longer look for the whole staircase before taking the first step.

就算失望，不能绝望

I will live again.

Quotes!

Since i'm free~~~~ At home with a nice cup of coffee, in the morning too! Gotta love mornings.

I won't say don't cry,
I'll say, just cry.
Even if the tears takes a week to dry, at least by then you can move on.

It is always the darkest when are you nearest to the lighthouse.

Live as if you were to die tomorrow, dream as if you were to live forever.

Dwelling on the past clouds your future, looking too much into the future will only dilute your past.

The past is your pillar of strength and the hammer that can break it all down.

Happy times in the past breaks you down, the sad times are the ones that will push you forward.

I will not tell you to ditch your past behind because it will come back to haunt you.
I'll tell you to keep your past, keep it somewhere safe.
Then when it emerges, smile :) and tell yourself... it was beautiful while it lasted.

These quites were not taken from the interenet! This comes from my R&D team so please cite my name if you ever need to use them.

Masks

24 September 2009, marks the most emo of days I have had so far in this life.

A rainy morning, quiet school, my music.

At the fav spot in school, the bench side the coffee machine, I bought a cup of coffee which ended up without milk and sugar, (I assure it was not m intention when I presses coffee with milk and sugar.) I guess that just reflects how i'm feeling. In life you need something, it varies from people to people, some need friends, some need food, some need love, some just need oxygen and from my module of New Media people nowadays tend to need their handphones.

The coffee represents what I need and I have it but with the joy of having (sugar) or the dreams or future I can pin my hopes on (cream).

I cannot tell you how much enjoyment it brings to me whenever i'm alone in school on this bench very early in the mornings. But something is lacking, something I have yet to find in this University of Stairs. So what is it that I'm looking for? Maybe it's for me to know and you to find out, or simply I do not know it as well...

Something that was worth my "The Great Depression Version J" is the fact that I'm actually suffocating in my 'mask'.

I'm sorry my friends, but this 'mask'... I cannot shed. (Lee. JY, 2009)

The mask as mentioned above refers to an act that someone puts up when dealing with other people. Ususally this is done to hide their true personailty, or this is also done so that people who do not naturaly clique together can actually work together or just have conversations.
This mask was developed during my National Service. I realised working with colleagues (no friends in my squaron except for the guys who sat on the same long table as me which include some officiers as well) you need to protect yourself, in a sense that you cannot show them who you really are or you just did not have a chance to... The mask develops into maturity with my ORD date and fortunately, or unfortunately, I brought it to school...

Wore it during orientation week.
The trasition from NS to school within a day wasn't easy, even now I still have problems with it. Orientation was suppose to let folks get to know more people. That was what I wanted and that was what happened. However, I found out the difference between poly people and jc people. Generally it's not a good or bad thing. It's like 2 differnt culture come together and see each other as weird. Since poly people were outnumbered 100 to to 1, we were like Aliens. The mask helped bridge the connect from me to them, but what they saw wasn't me...

Then came the joining of the MC which deserves its' own story but I would not speak of it now. Being once in the SIT club in poly, organizing events was the only thing I took with me when I left Poly alongside with friends that I couldn't live without and special ones as well. I wanted the same for Uni, to find people that I could be close to, talk to, have fun with and hang around with. The fun times in Club activities would never leave me for as long as I live. These memories are so fresh, I sometimes wonder what is happening to us now(the poly people). Maybe reailty just got the better of us.

So I joined the MC, firstly it wasn't what I was expecting. Lots of long useless meetings that wasted everyone's time were carried out. I gave it a chance, I did, but it just seems that these meetings are only getting more frequent.
Then comes the second issue, the people. The people are fun loving people, but something just lacks here. It wasn't the same as what I had in mind. I reminded myself not to compare, as dwelling on the past will only cloud your future (Lee. JY, 2008). I too gave that a chance. My mask is doing it's job, it tried to bridge the connections. But it seems that the more I try, the hard it gets and the mask would get thicker. I know the problems if I were to shed this mask, nothing would come out of it. What I will reveal will identify me and also seperat me from the rest.
Work starts to pile, from the MC and as well as my modules. I miss my friends, those whom i can laugh with. I haven't been laughing ever since I came here. The kind of laughter that would bring tears to my eyes, the kind of fun that I would gladly stay in school till very late for. I guess that's just the past and I don't forsee finding any here. I hope I do, I really do, the chances are slim but I will search. They say it's the darkest when you are nearest to the light house, but what if i'm going the wrong direction? Suddenly It just sounds so sad I can feel that tears are gathering at my eyes.

The mask is so thick now it is killing me, I miss the days when I didn't have it. Just to name a few people who have made a difference in my life.

Xavier, for always being there to make really funny jokes, I'll never get anything from any other people now. When there was no one to laugh at your jokes I'm alway the one laughing away. You are the best at what you can do man! Of course there were also the days when you were known as sandman. hahaha doesn't that bring back memories? The back stage which we made a lot of jokes about almost anything we could find. The most memorial was the actual finale day when you had to make a costume change and I was rushing to the other side of the stage. We went past each other running and the best high 5 was created then... I remember we cried so much we though we ran out of tears, but my friend... How come I can still get tears when I type this? haha....

Kah yip, aka sky, aka chicken wing, you have a lot of names bro... Remember you used to be so zai in doing all the ninja stuff huh. Stole my cheer somemore then it became yours'?! wth man give credit leh! Our malaysia trips ahah thanks for dricing us around. Your lousy jokes played as a catalyst for us to make BIGGER jokes. The dodge ball hitting your face with all the water flying around was damn power man, I can see it as I'm writing this. Remember the pic where three of us IC were on level 5 of NYP BLK L when there was still an open air space? Loved that picture. Three Incharge, VoiceOut, PhatNight, BandzOut. We were so zai then. I look at Uni now and wonder how did we make all our events so successful? I think it was the people. Yes definitely the people...

Nat! The pirate ah! hahah You were always around as well, doing all the funny thing alongside xavier. I have nothing uch to describe here but I just wanted to say thank you if you ever read this, cos I know you dun read blogs...

Andrew. ANDREW!!! Gemini friend, let's emo together. How come you are not here when i'm in super emo state. So much to talk about that I can't put them down into words. Your rubbish also priceless one. Your AP also, it was so AP that it was actually entertaining. I remember when we were CLEARING the clubroom! We wore a AP tag and started throwing things out one by one. Now i'm in your shoes, need to do clean up but it not exciting at all. It's more like a chore now. Why? I have no idea. I thought it would be fun but no. I am feeling now that is a waste of time. I can only go with the flow, I feel that it is not my show. There is no ownership. Maybe I just need time, but time will erode even the last bit of my feeling of belonging here. The only thing time will make people want to go back in time. Time is special, it will cover up the pain in the past and torture you with the beautiful and sweet times you have had. Then these happy times would pull the sad times out and crush you from within. It's invading me today and I think I am losing. andrew come and save me andrew! We go gambling ship leh play your fav blackjack, more or less then 12 is it? and to see all the color changing jackpot machines and feeling sea sick. Qing Chun Shao Nian Chu! *hand in the air*. Of course not foretting your welfare for us during the club times. I'm in that position now as well, the andrew in NUS but I dun wanna give a fuck. I really don't. My AP tag is bigger then you but I can't show it. It will cause too much pain.

othing much to say but you deserved a spot here as well.

To my fellow actors of finale, you guys were the best. Sorry for making everyone rehearse every to such unholy hours. Thank you for staying, thank you for all the support. It was a lot to ask for, but you guys gave all that you could. If it was for the skid, you are very responsible, if you stay because for me... I cannot thank you enough. I should have treat all to dinner now that I think of it....

To my Phat night team... thank you for all the support as well. As an incharge I know I didn't do anything. I overlooked, I didn't act or put on any mask because I thought that was how things should have been. Sometimes I wasn't there when you guys were having trouble. But I know that you guys were there when I needed you people. Thanks for painting the tree people and the only photo of the tree was the one with merv beside it. I didn't think I ill treat anyone right? Lollipop for everyone! haha and thank you Sharon for the bandongs you bought for me.

And Mei Ling, the bear bear. Ha ha I don't know how to put this in words. Just wanted to say... I'm sorry.
for the things I had not done.
Thank you for sticking around for the finale skit.
Thank you for all the happy things to remember when I look back now.
Do you still bite your straws? :) I do now. every straw I get my mouth on.
So much little things I can remember you for... I guess it will just remind with me till forever.
The brown jacket... teddy bears.
I still miss you, I really do... I've always felt this way but never said it.
Wishing you all the best.

The mask is getting heavier, I want to put it down.
The mask is getting thicker, I can't breathe anymore.
The mask never rests, I'm afraid that I would not be the deciding to remove it soon.
I'm scared. Very scared.

There is one good thing in uni is that. I found someone that I can actually share these deep thoughts of mine. To talk the things that I have been covering up, the thoughts that I go through whenever I make decisions. I want to share them.

千金易得，知自难求
Now I know what that means.

The rain has stopped, it is still cold. Cold is good. It reflects what I'm feeling inside.

Talk with Kah Yip a little, haha that workaholic. Feeling a bit better now. Thanks Jia Ye you dunno how much that call affected me sia.