Admit it. Go ahead, it's okay.

Woke up this morning with rain and a cold bed. Had a semi nightmare, where I was caught doing something i shouldn't. Or rather, I should say, I was caught doing something that I THINK I shouldn't be doing. Something that brought shame upon me as a grown up Chinese. We Chinese do not take shame lightly. All our lives, we've been taught that shame is the worse form of punishment. Well at least that's the impact on me.

Having been taught that shame is not desired, freezes us in our tracks. It tells us to stay safe. Stay where you know you have control, but that kind of lifestyle bores me. So now i'm stuck bored and afraid.
This is where the title of the post comes in, we gotta Admit it!

Like say you fuck it up. Somethings went wrong and you were the cause of it. You go like, Omg shit did I just do something wrong. omgomgomg. During all of those thoughts, you would quickly try to think of something to blame or someone to take your shit for you. We try that to avoid getting shamed for something we did wrong. Sometimes, you get to find something to blame, and well, sometimes you don't. It's just you and nothing else. My favorite is to give the blame to technology. The upload failed, the email failed to send. The exporting of the video was glitchy. It was corrupted when I sent it over. Google drive hang on me Etc..

I find that technology is easy to blame on because there is nothing anyone else can do to validate that that did not happen! There is no way that you can go around and say, let me ring google up. Let me check if the email servers actually stopped your mail from going out. Trace your IP back to where your office is and say, hey you didn't send anything you cunt.

Technology just conveniently stopped when you needed it the most. Such coincidence. But people don't usually read too much into it. They would say oh it's ok just send it again. No biggie. But what happen inside us, is that we go like ohhhhh shit i nearly screwed it up. Phew, thank God for Technology.

We come out unhurt and that's where the problem starts. We get used to doing it. Sub consciously we think that there is always a way out. No worries. I always have something to blame. The problem with this, is that we don't learn anything from them! We fault and learn nothing. I think that is pretty bad as much as long term "self-investment" goes. Valuable lesson for me were from screw ups that I knew I totally did the wrong thing.

For example, once I screwed up a job because I didn't know how to use the sound recorder. I should have been more careful when I was using it. I should have tested it and understood how it worked before I went head on with it. Come to think of it now, perhaps the lesson was not how to use the product but instead, how to handle unknown situations. There was a item that I didn't know how to use and caused me the screw up. If I had made sure that I could use the product correctly, I would have had no problems in the shoot. This is a big Ah HA moment for me but I am not sure how long it will sustain me. After a few weeks, I would have forgotten what I talked about and carry on with life.

So if there's anything that I want to talk to about today, is that we shouldn't be afraid to make mistakes. But the more important part of that is to actually admit it. Say I fucked up. People wouldn't judge you too much on that. Take the blame. Shoulder it. And be a better person right here right now.

Say I'm sorry, I fucked up.