Admit it. Go ahead, it's okay.

Woke up this morning with rain and a cold bed. Had a semi nightmare, where I was caught doing something i shouldn't. Or rather, I should say, I was caught doing something that I THINK I shouldn't be doing. Something that brought shame upon me as a grown up Chinese. We Chinese do not take shame lightly. All our lives, we've been taught that shame is the worse form of punishment. Well at least that's the impact on me.

Having been taught that shame is not desired, freezes us in our tracks. It tells us to stay safe. Stay where you know you have control, but that kind of lifestyle bores me. So now i'm stuck bored and afraid.
This is where the title of the post comes in, we gotta Admit it!

Like say you fuck it up. Somethings went wrong and you were the cause of it. You go like, Omg shit did I just do something wrong. omgomgomg. During all of those thoughts, you would quickly try to think of something to blame or someone to take your shit for you. We try that to avoid getting shamed for something we did wrong. Sometimes, you get to find something to blame, and well, sometimes you don't. It's just you and nothing else. My favorite is to give the blame to technology. The upload failed, the email failed to send. The exporting of the video was glitchy. It was corrupted when I sent it over. Google drive hang on me Etc..

I find that technology is easy to blame on because there is nothing anyone else can do to validate that that did not happen! There is no way that you can go around and say, let me ring google up. Let me check if the email servers actually stopped your mail from going out. Trace your IP back to where your office is and say, hey you didn't send anything you cunt.

Technology just conveniently stopped when you needed it the most. Such coincidence. But people don't usually read too much into it. They would say oh it's ok just send it again. No biggie. But what happen inside us, is that we go like ohhhhh shit i nearly screwed it up. Phew, thank God for Technology.

We come out unhurt and that's where the problem starts. We get used to doing it. Sub consciously we think that there is always a way out. No worries. I always have something to blame. The problem with this, is that we don't learn anything from them! We fault and learn nothing. I think that is pretty bad as much as long term "self-investment" goes. Valuable lesson for me were from screw ups that I knew I totally did the wrong thing.

For example, once I screwed up a job because I didn't know how to use the sound recorder. I should have been more careful when I was using it. I should have tested it and understood how it worked before I went head on with it. Come to think of it now, perhaps the lesson was not how to use the product but instead, how to handle unknown situations. There was a item that I didn't know how to use and caused me the screw up. If I had made sure that I could use the product correctly, I would have had no problems in the shoot. This is a big Ah HA moment for me but I am not sure how long it will sustain me. After a few weeks, I would have forgotten what I talked about and carry on with life.

So if there's anything that I want to talk to about today, is that we shouldn't be afraid to make mistakes. But the more important part of that is to actually admit it. Say I fucked up. People wouldn't judge you too much on that. Take the blame. Shoulder it. And be a better person right here right now.

Say I'm sorry, I fucked up.

After a few years, I guess we have all come back to the same place.

Things change, people come into and leave our lives but that doesn't change who we are and the struggles that we get hit by again and again.

The last time I had a struggle was back in the university days, I remember the article that I wrote was titled "Masks" or something like that. I spoke of wearing a mask to deal with people everyday and how it was killing me from the inside.

I got over it eventually and now, a years later, I get hit by something else.
I would think that it is of the same type of struggle.

I found myself asking the question: What am I good at?
When things are going good, me being busy and all, I don't think of these things. I let it flow and try to answer every questions that life throws at me. Until one day, life stops throwing things at me and left me wondering what am I doing? or what should I be doing?

I think it's more cruel to leave me stranded like this compared to giving me difficult puzzles to solve.

A little background of what I have been doing:
I a freelance Videographer, I take videos of events or involve myself to any video production required by clients. Then on the side, I actually got sponsored to play darts by a dart company! How cool is that?

But then it hit me.

Where do I see myself in the future? Is the video business sustainable? What will darts bring for me?

I tried to find the answers that I seeked and tumbled upon a book called strengths Finder 2.0. This book helps one find their strengths and advices that one should work on what they were good at instead of working on their weaknesses.

The strenghts that I found myself having are
Adaptability
Empathy
Ideasation
Individualization
Communication

Basically, what I can see from this is that I can work in a emvironment where shit happens all the time. I know how poeple are feeling. I am excited by ideas. And I believe everyone is their own and they have their own strengths and weaknesses so I know how to give them task according to that information.
Plus I can talk to people well.

I actually have more or less known those things for a while. But I have not been able to find 'work' that taps into those strengths of mine.
Videography doesn't use any of those traits unless i'm dealing with clients. Come to think of it, initially I wanted to be the one going out to meet clients and getting the jobs for my co partner to work on them. Seems like being alone has changed that. One idea is to get more jobs and get a team to do it!

Perhaps I could go ahead with the CBD area and doing interviews! I think that might work. I need to come up with a system that allows videograpehrs to come back and easily upload their work and then work on them. Should the shooters be the editors? Or we can shift the work between the people.

Either way, this will require me to start a company witha  offfice space and also start getting employees. I guess I could work with video people and allow them to pick up their own jobs. As long as they get mine done. Being in CBD will mean that fast turn over is key. Big companies in CBD that deal with finance will be my audience. How often will they need video pumped out? I have to go and find that out.

I can provide equipment as well for my employees. Should they work under me or be a butterfly? Allowing them to work as they please will bring down my overhead cost.
Why not? Where to start? Those are the questions that I will need answers now. Because this is in line with what I am already doing and it will be easier to start.
I have to get more contacts. Relentless. No more just floating around waiting for shit to happen. I will make shit happen. It's gonna rain folks and i'm gonna drink the rain.