In the darkness bind them

So I have started work for almost 2 weeks now. What is amazing is that, I have also started learning to love myself more a few weeks back. When I was still on holidays, it was much easier to look at myself again and slowly rework and re engineer myself. Now that's where the challenge comes!

The challenge is that, I noticed as I started work, it was fun. Things were fresh and I really loved what I was doing. Then as time pass, I started to realize something. I realized that each day in and day out, I was doing the same things! I would wake up go to work then come home have a dinner and a slow shower then I would watch some SC2 or SF4 vids then dota for a while and sleep. The scary part is, it REPEATS for a few days! Yes, being structured is one thing but i can't live like that forever! I have to take control of my life. I was this close to being a robot and be slaved to the mindless system.

I went to read on loving myself again and tried to seek inspiration. Not seek, it was more like lost and found. The inspiration was lost because I had to be at a stipulated time and place (my work place) thus, I lost myself. I slowly slipped away. Not giving a thought to is this how I envision it to be.

I didn't think so.

So! Today, after reviewing my goals and how i want my life to be, I have found my inspiration back. And it is though the delivery of a performance with all my heart. My main goal is to make people happy. It goes back to the 享受. I was listen to Mr. Children's Hanabi. And I remember why I love the song. It was not the melody or the lyrics. It was how they performed. They were all smiles and joy. The audience felt it, I felt it. It was indeed form their hearts. Then I remember the class mate I have that first had me feeling that way. I want to bring that kind of feeling to people.

And I can actually do that with my job! It is also something I enjoy doing. Pleasing people with my sincerity. Perhaps I have had enough of bullshit. Trying to out smart systems or people. Trying to prey on what their weak points and exploiting them. I want to send emails that mean something. I mean, why so serious?!

There are obstacles however, at work superiors want things a certain way and I want things in another. Some are worry warts, some are anal, some just want to make profits. I feel that I do not worry enough and I should improve on it. Not in a sense that I should start being very worried about a lot of things. It is more like creating a better awareness of what I should be doing and know the date lines. For one thing, I work well with date lines. If things don't have a date line, I probably wouldn't deliver. It is not in a negative sense, it is more like, small goals for me to reach bigger ones. I was once told them I am a task oriented person. I perform upon tasks given. Which is true, I would have to agree to that. If I don't have a task, I simply wouldn't be doing it. I shall then set task for myself. Create them. Like placing the foot in front of the other.

For work, I wil make emails fun.
And for those things that I do not have control over, I will find out what the other party wants and act accordingly. Having my ideas is one thing but I don't think I have the right to over write others as of now in the company. I mean, who is this guy who has only been here for 2 weeks trying to do huh? I have been here for a few years! Yes indeed, you could say that they are not open to change or they have the old bird syndrome. You can be pissed about it or simply respect them for being old birds. I think i would do the latter.
I am not a machine and I will take control over my life.
Working is different from schooling and from being on a holiday. But I will face it. And derive fun from it.