On the idea of good mood

I am sitting at my computer table with the new lights in my room and listening to piano pieces.

Well, you've guessed it! Final Fantasy piano pieces people. This time round I didn't start with the piece "Ahead on our way" but instead I went straight to "Melodies of Life". And yes indeed, today I am going to blog about ya know, the "Melodies of Life". A friend of mine once said, "You know what's missing in our lives? A background music." That got me thinking... I was thinking, oh yeah! How nice would things be if there were background music attached to your life. But then again it would be weird cos you will not get a moment's peace. Even if you did, it would natually mean suspense and something frightening is coming along your way.

But anyhow~ I wanted to blog about something that happened to me today that contributes (for a lack of a better word) to my journey of loving myself. So I went to my night class and as I sat down, my friend was telling me, "Wah good mood ah." I was kind of surprised to hear that! I was confused at the same time ass well when she told me that. I thought to myself, "Hey I'm not smiling like an idiot am I?" It was then I realised that I was actually singing while I walked into the class room and only stopped when she commented that I was in a good mood.

My thought process was as follows.

I was singing cos, I dunno I just liked it and enjoy it very much.
So does that mean that singing = good mood?
I realised, no.
It was more like me doing what I wanted to do!
Me doing things that I wanted and not what the society dictated.
I was just singing! (Not VERY loudly but enough for my friend to hear it.)

So I felt quite good for a while, because that statement that my friend made, was to me, like a "Level up in loving myself". It was like a feedback. The feedback told me, "Hey you are doing a good job! You are starting to do what you wanna!" So after that episode, I naturally got even happier and continued this journey of loving myself more.

There are however, the hours that I felt like I was reverting back to the old me. The one that left me feeling that I was wasting a lot of time on things that didn't matter. At that point of time, I went online to read the articles on loving myself again and tried to steer myself back on track. I then stumbled upon a suggestion of wearing a wrist band to remind myself of the positive thoughts. This is how it works. When ever I start having negative thoughts and reverting back tot he old me, I would shift the wrist band to my left hand. This is to remind me that I have to start shifting my thoughts back. And when things are on track once more I would switch the wrist band to the right hand where it tells me that I am doing a good job and should keep things that way. I tried it out and hey waddaya know, so far, so good!

I shall continue to go on this path and to make it part of my life as sub consicously as I can.

And oh! I realised too that when I am doing the things I want to do, I end up with more time on my hands! I no longer feel that omg! I just wasted so much time on _____! Now I feel in control and I feel great about it. Now, I feel like I have all the time in the world to do whatever I enjoy doing. Great stuff! and Good job me. hahahahahah

Alright, as much as I love to bathe myself in this new light(loving myself and the physical light in my room) I must get to sleep. But I doubt I can, at least not for the next few minutes as I am TOO FREAKING excited about Dominion!!!

Self-taught art of loving myself

So then again folks, I can see some activity on my blog. People actually DO visit! But I just guess it is just the HR people doing some checks on this dude who just sent his resume in. Hi there!

I've just went back to read even MORE past year posts that I have made in those year. Well, I concluded that it was more "Me" and less "them" although I still like to take care of my friends and the people around me. No wait. Hold that thought. I think the problem, well not really problem but the thing that changed was that I started to learn more and know more and that influences me and my actions.

How so you may ask.

For a start, I used to do many things that I like to. Dring the poly days it was being in the club. Having fun with friends at events. I never did look at anything else then. I could say that I was less sensitive to the people relationships around me. These relationship at that point of time was more "real" so to speak.
The relationships and the things that I said and do were less engineered. Of course this had it's pros and cons. One significant part of that is I would miss out on opportunities especially on the matters of love and finding a partner.
Then it struck me one day, a voice said that I would need to put in more effort in the love department and I did. I guess that's when things went down in a spiral.

This spiral took me to a point where I was dependent on other people for my happiness. It may sound serious but its not really THAT serious. But yeah it did affect me for awhile now. SO! so so so! sooooooooo~ One after another, things don't work out as I would have wanted it to and every time something ends, I have this feeling of void. It's like u lose yourself. You get thrown into the wilderness and your phone is dead and you don't have a map. So you stumble around knocking into trees and all, only to eventually realize that you ARE all alone. I wasn't very much like that in the past. I used to do things as and when I wanted to. Everything just seemed more "right" then.

And now? I learned that there are nasty nasty people around this place. And I too learned how to deal with them. I sometimes tell them things that wanted to hear, if I ever wanted to please them. Or be the loud one if the group permits it. I wouldn't say that it was all bad stuff, considering that these skills do make me more popular and I wouldn't kid here, but I do enjoy being in the limelight.

Then came a phase when I just felt tired. Tired of wearing these masks. I had a post on that some time ago. And when I thought I had thing sorted out, this feeling hits me again. This time, however is not as serious as the last. Oh no. This is more like the light at the end of the tunnel. More like I have a destination now. I used to say you don't need to see the end of the stairs to take the first step. It still applies to me now, so I shouldn't have said destination but instead, I can now see the first step in the dark.

Relationship with people around me is very important, I cherish them a lot. What I would give to have all the people I meet be good friends with me. Go out for coffee, do silly things, stay up late for absolutely no reason. But I learned that you can't please everyone. But I wasn't ready to give up, I wasn't ready to say "Oh no sorry, I can't be friends with you." So I went on to talk to people about things that they wanted to hear, so long as the relationship can go on I was willing to do that. But then it wouldn't be fair to them either, I mean no one is interested in having a person lie to them all the time. It's like the advisor that sucks up to the king in the movies. I certainly did not want to be either one of them.
And so I derived that everyone should be entitled their opinions. And so whenever there is an argument, I would listen to their side of the story and think in their shoes before tell them how I feel about the situation. Most times people do not listen. Especially people who are older than me and think that the years that they have lived more than me in this world is enough to silence my voice and shut my views. I do agree that experience is indeed handy. Experience lets you do things faster, better and more confidently. And when you are confident, things that you do would be beautiful. But this experience also shackles(thanks dota for teaching me new words) them down, so heavily that they are no longer able to fly, to know more, they become so afraid to fail because failing without experience is okay but failing WITH experience is not. Thus the term old birds. (It's just my interpretation but it sounds freakin cool)

I would add that it is not their fault. How they are acting now is a result of how the society acts. And when I say society it means you, you, you and yes! You! Everyone of us is responsible for things turning out this way. (Something I learned studying Sociology) What I ask is simply, for the old bird, open up a little. Doesn't matter to let a younger guy teach u a few things. If you learn from the young, you will be young forever. You are only old if you use this line "Wow youngsters these days..." I mean that's what your elders thought as well when they saw you! So let not be the elder now shall we?

For us "youngsters" would have to let the people around us how we feel. It may or may not hurt them but we need to do a little of PR of course before speaking our mind. Words are the most painful of weapons and they can destroy a person it's worse than murder. If the old birds refuse to hear your opinion of the story, just smile, respect their ideas and move along.

So here I am trying to strike a balance between loving me and loving others. For now I am still 70% others and when all my happiness is pinned on external factors, I would never be truly happy. Why should I only beam when I am in a relationship. I should be beaming as soon as I wake up in morning because I am me and I love me.

That which was lost and in the midst of finding again

Reading my blog after a long while never fails to surprise me. I would look at my posts and wonder, "How could I have came up with such things?" I would wonder, "Is it truly me that wrote all that? and Most importantly, I find myself asking, "Was so clear headed in the things I wanted to do?" "Was I that deep of a thinker?" These questions pop up and my head and I realized that the Me now is unable to relate to the post that I have posted then.

Is it because I have grown up?
What is growing up?
Leaving your ideas and ideals behind you and "be mature"?
Or I have lost somethings that were inside me to the social state of capitalism? (If anything, that is the one thing I have learned in my course of sociology. That capitalist makes dreams come true at the expense of others.)

Perhaps I could go with the notion that I have grown up. But I refuse. I simply refuse to be "not me".
If those post were part of me, then the pieces were just lost and not forgotten. As I type this, I can feel a little of them coming back to me. Telling me "Hey old friend, long time no see." There is this warm feeling I have right now that puts a slight smile on my face. Perhaps I do enjoy writing, provided it is about writing about my thoughts. I am a person who respects other people's opinions. That may be wrong or right, but who am I to judge that? (I mean we are putting murderous intents and extreme cases aside but murder or theft may have had begun from a good intention. There is that possibility but we wouldn't be doing Philo 1101 would we now?)

I must give you my apologies as this post is very messy and all over the place. It feels like my thoughts are running everywhere in my head and I have to pen(or type) them down as they appear so as to tame them and stop them from running around wildly in my head. The piano music might be the cause of the thoughts going wild. I'm currently listening to... FF IX piano collection "Eternal harvest". There was this huge pick up in rhythm and tempo and my thoughts, as you might have guessed, went dancing with the music. I am still having my far share of typos. I could never type a whole passage without looking at my keyboard once in a while or without typing mistakes. Well that was it for now for the wild thought i had in my head,

As the main idea starts to surface again, I would think that I had those thoughts (and thus the older post) because I was clear and knew what I wanted or lack? Or was it that I knew what I wanted AND knew what I had lack that would hinder my path to what I wanted?
If that is true, then I have studied University for nothing. They did not make my life better. Either did they enlighten me on this road t\of life that we all must journey. But I do not think that it is their fault as well. The uni is like a giant shopping centre, but instead of clothes, people shop of degrees. It is not their fault in not allowing you to learn anything. When it comes to learning, I would think that one has the responsibly to pick up the learning. I can never teach someone that does not want to be taught. Nor could I keep someone who doesn't want to be kept. Like what they say, it takes two hands to clap and u get a slap with only one. (But hey it still makes a sound so technically your objective is made just that it is in someone else's expenses.)

Perhaps growing up and going into another phase in life, one would be lost. He/she would have to leave the educational world and go into something else. I can imagine that this might not be that simple because of the fact that you have been in school ever since! After almost 20 years of education, you ask yourself "what now?" They tell you work. But is that all there is? I would think that is pretty boring to just study and study then go to work where you spend the rest of your life doing. I do not actually hate working(I haven't started yet) but either am I alright with the idea that I now start the life of working till I die or get bed ridden. So I guess that would mean that I have to find something I enjoy doing and do it as work! BUT! HOWEVER! BUT THEN HOR! Doing nothing and listening to music and having a slow breakfast with friend is not considered productive in this capitalist world system. That is why we have a shortage of happy people here in Singapore. People are so tied down with work, that they simply do not have time for themselves, not to even mention friends. I feel that I have this hate of capitalism for quite a while now. But all I do is tell people that the system is making people sad and I have not been doing anything about it. Could I do something about it? I certainly could but I would need a fire that burns so deep it comes out of my ass. I do not think I have yet acquired that fire. For I do not see a need for it. I am the type of person that enjoys taking advantage of the system. If there is a way around things, I would take that. It just gives me more satisfaction then doing the job the conventional way. Thus in this system, I hope to excel in it. Going into business and going into investments. The rich are doing it. So you have to do it to get rich. I see no point admiring what others have and not finding a way to get out of the shit pool that I am swimming in. It is either I enjoy my swim in that shit pool, or get my ass out of there.

I was reading.. (random I know, but hey if you are still reading this, you are doing fine) ways to love yourself on wikihow. I was struck by the idea that maybe I need a little self love and I went on to google it and clicked on the first link that popped up. So i read through it at 5am last night and slept after that. AT that point of time, I was thinking to myself, hey maybe I could practice some of this and see my life would be any better. A few things that I had want to change was that I would give women more respect and give more freely to charities and the needy. I have to admit, I do not give women enough respect. I tend to feel that they are not as capable as men. That is the truth i need to know about how I really feel. Now that I have faced that feeling, I can change it. And as for the charity matter, it was since the corruption of NKF that I stopped donating all together. People out there are taking these money and using it somewhere else. Which I do not think is very appropriate at all! So to not contribute to that, I decided that I would not donate at all. But I remember a few days ago, I said to someone that, this world is not as dark as they tell you. There are still good people around and many of them but we only often see the bad people and the good ones are not being praised enough. 所为 好事不出门，坏事传千里 Is it that 里 or this 哩 not too sure. Haaha but they sound the same at least. I am sorry. I was always good at speaking but when it comes down to writing I am just not as good. I always feel that I can tell you a message clearer than I can write it down.
And this morning, after I read some of my posts, I felt that I might have loved myself more last time compared to now. It is as though I give people around me more care than I give to myself. However, during the beginning of Uni, I felt that I was giving myself too much and not giving to other. This Uni life of mine has certainly made me taught myself a lot of things. For now I would need to strike a balance. I need to know that I have to love myself and at the same time not give up too much on other people. I do not think that this is an easy task. It is much like singing, I used to be soft and now i am too loud. The balance is hard to strike but I believe once I get it, there will be magic and my life would transform.

Now I have an undying urge to play Diablo 3. But I am trying to say no to that because... I do not really have a "because" really.  I would want to think that it is a waste of time? But I do have fun playing it. Ah! a light bulb just burst. I need a balace in that as well. Currently I have design work that needs to be done but I honestly HAve no idea on what I should do. Instead of waiting for ideas to drop out of the sky, I should try to seek them instead. I have been lucky so far in all the endeavors of my life. I have a loving family, although they may not support in everything I do, but I respect that they are entitled to their own opinion of things and that opinion is always start with the intention of doing whats the best for me. I may not agree at times and I yearn for more freedom. That is why i'm stuck on the idea that I should move out as soon as possible. I should have my own place so that I can make my own house rules. I think I would try to find an apartment not too far from my parents, so I can visit them as and when I want to and they could see me more often as well and at the same time, I can have my whole house rules.

I think that this is as far as my post would go. Here, I review again what I need to change and what I have learnt from this typing session.
I would give women more respect.
Donate and help more.
Keep typing and try to find my pieces back.

This post is very much different from the ones I had last time. This I feel, was more thinking rather than felling. The older post had more feeling inside them. I would say what I feel and not think twice about that. I need to find that back. Because the feeling of doing that is very very satisfying.

It feels that I am truly myself.