Reading my blog after a long while never fails to surprise me. I would look at my posts and wonder, "How could I have came up with such things?" I would wonder, "Is it truly me that wrote all that? and Most importantly, I find myself asking, "Was so clear headed in the things I wanted to do?" "Was I that deep of a thinker?" These questions pop up and my head and I realized that the Me now is unable to relate to the post that I have posted then.
Is it because I have grown up?
What is growing up?
Leaving your ideas and ideals behind you and "be mature"?
Or I have lost somethings that were inside me to the social state of capitalism? (If anything, that is the one thing I have learned in my course of sociology. That capitalist makes dreams come true at the expense of others.)
Perhaps I could go with the notion that I have grown up. But I refuse. I simply refuse to be "not me".
If those post were part of me, then the pieces were just lost and not forgotten. As I type this, I can feel a little of them coming back to me. Telling me "Hey old friend, long time no see." There is this warm feeling I have right now that puts a slight smile on my face. Perhaps I do enjoy writing, provided it is about writing about my thoughts. I am a person who respects other people's opinions. That may be wrong or right, but who am I to judge that? (I mean we are putting murderous intents and extreme cases aside but murder or theft may have had begun from a good intention. There is that possibility but we wouldn't be doing Philo 1101 would we now?)
I must give you my apologies as this post is very messy and all over the place. It feels like my thoughts are running everywhere in my head and I have to pen(or type) them down as they appear so as to tame them and stop them from running around wildly in my head. The piano music might be the cause of the thoughts going wild. I'm currently listening to... FF IX piano collection "Eternal harvest". There was this huge pick up in rhythm and tempo and my thoughts, as you might have guessed, went dancing with the music. I am still having my far share of typos. I could never type a whole passage without looking at my keyboard once in a while or without typing mistakes. Well that was it for now for the wild thought i had in my head,
As the main idea starts to surface again, I would think that I had those thoughts (and thus the older post) because I was clear and knew what I wanted or lack? Or was it that I knew what I wanted AND knew what I had lack that would hinder my path to what I wanted?
If that is true, then I have studied University for nothing. They did not make my life better. Either did they enlighten me on this road t\of life that we all must journey. But I do not think that it is their fault as well. The uni is like a giant shopping centre, but instead of clothes, people shop of degrees. It is not their fault in not allowing you to learn anything. When it comes to learning, I would think that one has the responsibly to pick up the learning. I can never teach someone that does not want to be taught. Nor could I keep someone who doesn't want to be kept. Like what they say, it takes two hands to clap and u get a slap with only one. (But hey it still makes a sound so technically your objective is made just that it is in someone else's expenses.)
Perhaps growing up and going into another phase in life, one would be lost. He/she would have to leave the educational world and go into something else. I can imagine that this might not be that simple because of the fact that you have been in school ever since! After almost 20 years of education, you ask yourself "what now?" They tell you work. But is that all there is? I would think that is pretty boring to just study and study then go to work where you spend the rest of your life doing. I do not actually hate working(I haven't started yet) but either am I alright with the idea that I now start the life of working till I die or get bed ridden. So I guess that would mean that I have to find something I enjoy doing and do it as work! BUT! HOWEVER! BUT THEN HOR! Doing nothing and listening to music and having a slow breakfast with friend is not considered productive in this capitalist world system. That is why we have a shortage of happy people here in Singapore. People are so tied down with work, that they simply do not have time for themselves, not to even mention friends. I feel that I have this hate of capitalism for quite a while now. But all I do is tell people that the system is making people sad and I have not been doing anything about it. Could I do something about it? I certainly could but I would need a fire that burns so deep it comes out of my ass. I do not think I have yet acquired that fire. For I do not see a need for it. I am the type of person that enjoys taking advantage of the system. If there is a way around things, I would take that. It just gives me more satisfaction then doing the job the conventional way. Thus in this system, I hope to excel in it. Going into business and going into investments. The rich are doing it. So you have to do it to get rich. I see no point admiring what others have and not finding a way to get out of the shit pool that I am swimming in. It is either I enjoy my swim in that shit pool, or get my ass out of there.
I was reading.. (random I know, but hey if you are still reading this, you are doing fine) ways to love yourself on wikihow. I was struck by the idea that maybe I need a little self love and I went on to google it and clicked on the first link that popped up. So i read through it at 5am last night and slept after that. AT that point of time, I was thinking to myself, hey maybe I could practice some of this and see my life would be any better. A few things that I had want to change was that I would give women more respect and give more freely to charities and the needy. I have to admit, I do not give women enough respect. I tend to feel that they are not as capable as men. That is the truth i need to know about how I really feel. Now that I have faced that feeling, I can change it. And as for the charity matter, it was since the corruption of NKF that I stopped donating all together. People out there are taking these money and using it somewhere else. Which I do not think is very appropriate at all! So to not contribute to that, I decided that I would not donate at all. But I remember a few days ago, I said to someone that, this world is not as dark as they tell you. There are still good people around and many of them but we only often see the bad people and the good ones are not being praised enough. 所为 好事不出门，坏事传千里 Is it that 里 or this 哩 not too sure. Haaha but they sound the same at least. I am sorry. I was always good at speaking but when it comes down to writing I am just not as good. I always feel that I can tell you a message clearer than I can write it down.
And this morning, after I read some of my posts, I felt that I might have loved myself more last time compared to now. It is as though I give people around me more care than I give to myself. However, during the beginning of Uni, I felt that I was giving myself too much and not giving to other. This Uni life of mine has certainly made me taught myself a lot of things. For now I would need to strike a balance. I need to know that I have to love myself and at the same time not give up too much on other people. I do not think that this is an easy task. It is much like singing, I used to be soft and now i am too loud. The balance is hard to strike but I believe once I get it, there will be magic and my life would transform.
Now I have an undying urge to play Diablo 3. But I am trying to say no to that because... I do not really have a "because" really. I would want to think that it is a waste of time? But I do have fun playing it. Ah! a light bulb just burst. I need a balace in that as well. Currently I have design work that needs to be done but I honestly HAve no idea on what I should do. Instead of waiting for ideas to drop out of the sky, I should try to seek them instead. I have been lucky so far in all the endeavors of my life. I have a loving family, although they may not support in everything I do, but I respect that they are entitled to their own opinion of things and that opinion is always start with the intention of doing whats the best for me. I may not agree at times and I yearn for more freedom. That is why i'm stuck on the idea that I should move out as soon as possible. I should have my own place so that I can make my own house rules. I think I would try to find an apartment not too far from my parents, so I can visit them as and when I want to and they could see me more often as well and at the same time, I can have my whole house rules.
I think that this is as far as my post would go. Here, I review again what I need to change and what I have learnt from this typing session.
I would give women more respect.
Donate and help more.
Keep typing and try to find my pieces back.
This post is very much different from the ones I had last time. This I feel, was more thinking rather than felling. The older post had more feeling inside them. I would say what I feel and not think twice about that. I need to find that back. Because the feeling of doing that is very very satisfying.
It feels that I am truly myself.
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