Self-taught art of loving myself

So then again folks, I can see some activity on my blog. People actually DO visit! But I just guess it is just the HR people doing some checks on this dude who just sent his resume in. Hi there!

I've just went back to read even MORE past year posts that I have made in those year. Well, I concluded that it was more "Me" and less "them" although I still like to take care of my friends and the people around me. No wait. Hold that thought. I think the problem, well not really problem but the thing that changed was that I started to learn more and know more and that influences me and my actions.

How so you may ask.

For a start, I used to do many things that I like to. Dring the poly days it was being in the club. Having fun with friends at events. I never did look at anything else then. I could say that I was less sensitive to the people relationships around me. These relationship at that point of time was more "real" so to speak.
The relationships and the things that I said and do were less engineered. Of course this had it's pros and cons. One significant part of that is I would miss out on opportunities especially on the matters of love and finding a partner.
Then it struck me one day, a voice said that I would need to put in more effort in the love department and I did. I guess that's when things went down in a spiral.

This spiral took me to a point where I was dependent on other people for my happiness. It may sound serious but its not really THAT serious. But yeah it did affect me for awhile now. SO! so so so! sooooooooo~ One after another, things don't work out as I would have wanted it to and every time something ends, I have this feeling of void. It's like u lose yourself. You get thrown into the wilderness and your phone is dead and you don't have a map. So you stumble around knocking into trees and all, only to eventually realize that you ARE all alone. I wasn't very much like that in the past. I used to do things as and when I wanted to. Everything just seemed more "right" then.

And now? I learned that there are nasty nasty people around this place. And I too learned how to deal with them. I sometimes tell them things that wanted to hear, if I ever wanted to please them. Or be the loud one if the group permits it. I wouldn't say that it was all bad stuff, considering that these skills do make me more popular and I wouldn't kid here, but I do enjoy being in the limelight.

Then came a phase when I just felt tired. Tired of wearing these masks. I had a post on that some time ago. And when I thought I had thing sorted out, this feeling hits me again. This time, however is not as serious as the last. Oh no. This is more like the light at the end of the tunnel. More like I have a destination now. I used to say you don't need to see the end of the stairs to take the first step. It still applies to me now, so I shouldn't have said destination but instead, I can now see the first step in the dark.

Relationship with people around me is very important, I cherish them a lot. What I would give to have all the people I meet be good friends with me. Go out for coffee, do silly things, stay up late for absolutely no reason. But I learned that you can't please everyone. But I wasn't ready to give up, I wasn't ready to say "Oh no sorry, I can't be friends with you." So I went on to talk to people about things that they wanted to hear, so long as the relationship can go on I was willing to do that. But then it wouldn't be fair to them either, I mean no one is interested in having a person lie to them all the time. It's like the advisor that sucks up to the king in the movies. I certainly did not want to be either one of them.
And so I derived that everyone should be entitled their opinions. And so whenever there is an argument, I would listen to their side of the story and think in their shoes before tell them how I feel about the situation. Most times people do not listen. Especially people who are older than me and think that the years that they have lived more than me in this world is enough to silence my voice and shut my views. I do agree that experience is indeed handy. Experience lets you do things faster, better and more confidently. And when you are confident, things that you do would be beautiful. But this experience also shackles(thanks dota for teaching me new words) them down, so heavily that they are no longer able to fly, to know more, they become so afraid to fail because failing without experience is okay but failing WITH experience is not. Thus the term old birds. (It's just my interpretation but it sounds freakin cool)

I would add that it is not their fault. How they are acting now is a result of how the society acts. And when I say society it means you, you, you and yes! You! Everyone of us is responsible for things turning out this way. (Something I learned studying Sociology) What I ask is simply, for the old bird, open up a little. Doesn't matter to let a younger guy teach u a few things. If you learn from the young, you will be young forever. You are only old if you use this line "Wow youngsters these days..." I mean that's what your elders thought as well when they saw you! So let not be the elder now shall we?

For us "youngsters" would have to let the people around us how we feel. It may or may not hurt them but we need to do a little of PR of course before speaking our mind. Words are the most painful of weapons and they can destroy a person it's worse than murder. If the old birds refuse to hear your opinion of the story, just smile, respect their ideas and move along.

So here I am trying to strike a balance between loving me and loving others. For now I am still 70% others and when all my happiness is pinned on external factors, I would never be truly happy. Why should I only beam when I am in a relationship. I should be beaming as soon as I wake up in morning because I am me and I love me.