Reflections, refractions

I would like to talk about two things today.

First of is about the first time I heard a song sang live and had the feeling of 享受. That means "enjoyment" in chinese. During my sunday singing classes, I've heard some of my classmates sing, which most of them are better than me in many many ways, most of the time I would just go "Wow he can reach that note!" or "oh that's a nice song." But that time round, it was different. It was the first time in my life, I felt that I was enjoying the song! Like, it was not about the technics or what -nots. It was rather me listening to a person sing a song! I know it's a very general statement but I will try to put what I felt into words.

For once, I was listening to the "music" as a whole perhaps i'm not too sure of it myself either but it was definitely something that I have not experienced before. She was singing 新不了情. It was a popular song and all of us could very well sing along. At times, I would sing along (softly) as my classmates were presenting their song. But, as you can guess, not this time! I was listening to every word, every note, every beat. It wasn't like "Oh how can I learn to sing like that?" It was more like "This is how singing SHOULD be!" It should be an enjoyment, for the person singing and the audience. It was a connection. I know people talk about singing or any arts form in that matter, as a connection between the performer and the audience. I roughly understood what it meant, but this was the first time that I have experienced it.

Well, a little something random about me, is that I am a a person who values the experience. You could ask me to take pictures to remind myself of the place or to take a picture and show it to my friends. But no matter how beautiful a picture is, or how artistic a photo is, the person looking at it will never ever have the same feeling as the person who was there, taking it at that time. For me, with my lousy camera skills aside, have always thought that the pictures do not do justice for how I felt at that time. It may be due to my lack of camera skills. That is true I would say. I simply cannot capture what my mind has captured at that point of time! I could not capture my own emotions and thoughts at the point of time when I am at a particular place. I just couldn't do it. Thus I have always cherished my experience rather than my photos. I rarely took photos. Even if I did, it would be just 1 or two, but when I'm in a state of awe, I would be simply savoring the beautiful feeling that I was feeling right there and not do anything else. A few examples come into my head right now, the lake at China I visited sometime ago, waterfalls, the vietnam boat trip, my sky diving trip in Australia and finally the feeling of enjoyment from hearing a song sang live. It is perhaps why people keep returning to concerts again and again even if it was always the same songs.

I wanted to achieve something like that. I want to bring enjoyment to the audience through either my presentations or through singing. Maybe I could do this for my street fighter as well. I'm not too sure how far I can extend this "enjoyment" idea but I will try it out. That's another thing for me to keep on my wristband. I would imagine that I would need more wrist bands. I shall get myself one later today.

Another thing that I wanted to talk about was how when I get lose and my temper shows, I cannot AT ALL control myself. I would go into a trance. Not caring about anything at all. IT was not to show off, niether was it a REALLY big issue that I had to be such an ass. I have lost it once before at a popular sale and after which regretted on my behavior after it had happened. This time aroudn it happened again because when the bill came, we were charged on items that we were told early that it was on promotion(somewhat, i'm not going into details here). So I felt cheated! Yes I believe that the feeling of being cheated gets me crazy. The feeling that someone gave me wrong infomation and I end up in situations like this. I go all mad and started to act irrationally. My friends joked about it for a while and I was telling myself that "Hey, this is what I will get pissed for. That's who I am." I believed that for a while. Following that I felt a little guilty, I felt that I could have handled the situation a little better. I mean why be so pissed? Unless the person is not reasonable, there would be no reason for me to get all hot headed. Everyone makes mistakes, why can't I be a little more forgiving? Then again, I always thought myself to be a very easy going person, I would be alright with how things turn out from time to time, I could just take it and see if we could fix it by talking it out. But when it comes to being cheated or having the feeling of being cheated, I just can't take it.

And so, I am at the cross roads of, Being myself or try to be someone better. I am now edging towards being someone better. Because that being myself and going all crazy was not what I wanted. I felt guilty afterwards. And I know there would be no point for my to say sorry online where nobody sees it.  And chances are, I wouldn't go back there just to say sorry as well. But I would change the way I would behave if ever the same situation arises. If it made me guilty, why do it? I feel that this may be the hardest thing I would have to tackle because of the fact that the feeling is so much embedded in me. It was more like instinct rather than a thought process. It was loud an ferocious. It came like an ambush and tore everything apart. And only when the screams faded, a dead silence covered my mind. It was like how a werewolf after killing everything and the moon wanes and he begins to turn back, only to find his dead family's blood on his own hands.

I will attempt to tame this werewolf and on the next full moon, it will not see the day. or night in this case. And of course! I will also be trying to bring the feeling of enjoyment through my singing to people as well! Now at least I know where I am going for my journey of singing. bEfore that, it was more towards showing off and trying to get the right notes out. Things that were too technical and were not in anyway "organic" as singing should be.