Things to do!

Things to accomplish!

Learn Japanese Language!

Learn to play piano!

Take up Vocal lessons again!

Learn a chim word a day!

The sword broken, now reforged.

I used to have more purpose in what I was doing.

I used to be able to tell what's right and wrong.

I used to still be able to enjoy what life has to offer while doing well for school.

I used to spent so much more time with my family.

I used to not think so much.

Maybe times have changed, maybe I can't adapt, maybe it's just the people around me.

It was easy to blame it all on those excuses. But no. No, it was just me. I have changed.

I didn't want to accept change. I didn't want to get out of my comfort zone. I didn't want to accept new people coming into my life.

I deluded myself with school, thinking going there would result in a better studying environment.

There was a time, I did well in studies, I could enjoy being around with friends, I always expressed myself the way I want to.

There was a time, I could survive loneliness.

Now, my studies are behind, I don't laugh a lot with new friends, I hold back my feelings.

I'm afraid of being alone.

Sad songs only get sadder when I listen to them, cheerful songs sound like noise.

Everything around me is falling apart, the walls crumbling, trapped in my own prison. How I long to be able to be myself again.

Was it the environment that changed me? the people?

No, it was just a choice I made without knowing. That choice now is being evaluated. A journey from the MRT to the bus stop.

I was thinking.. Why? Why can't i be happy? Why can't I be the same? Why am I pushing everything away? Why was I...

Putting on an act?

This act Ends Now

No more will I allow myself to procrastinate

No more will I smile when I don't want to, do something for the sake of doing it.

No more will do something just because others are doing the same.

This time, you will see me.

As myself.

I want to be able to sing at the top of my voice.

I want to make sad songs meaningful, happy songs to boost my spirit.

I want to enjoy every moment now.

I want to be able to know what the lecture is about and tell those around me about it.

I want to do the things I like without having to worry about anything else.

I want to let things go.

I want to strive forward.

I want to learn new things.

I want to laugh with my friends.

I want to have soemthing to remember when I leave school.

I want to have something/one to look forward to when going to a place.

I want my days to past and not regretting not doing something.

I want to be the person to look for help when problems happen.

I want to be the super ai zai person who people used to know.

I want to outshine, outstand, outdo people.

I want to have drive in what whatever I do.

I want to chase a dream again.

These are not wishes nor dreams, I know they are in me but were lost in time. T

here was once I was all those. Why should it be ANY different now?!

These are not wishes nor dreams, I know they are in me but were lost in time.

The fire burns as I think of this.

A fire doused months ago will reignite.

The sword that was broken will be reforged.

The flame has been rekindled.

Now you will see me as myself.

I have resumed control.

我是我自己的神，在我活的地方。

I will no longer look for the whole staircase before taking the first step.

就算失望，不能绝望

I will live again.

Quotes!

Since i'm free~~~~ At home with a nice cup of coffee, in the morning too! Gotta love mornings.

I won't say don't cry,
I'll say, just cry.
Even if the tears takes a week to dry, at least by then you can move on.

It is always the darkest when are you nearest to the lighthouse.

Live as if you were to die tomorrow, dream as if you were to live forever.

Dwelling on the past clouds your future, looking too much into the future will only dilute your past.

The past is your pillar of strength and the hammer that can break it all down.

Happy times in the past breaks you down, the sad times are the ones that will push you forward.

I will not tell you to ditch your past behind because it will come back to haunt you.
I'll tell you to keep your past, keep it somewhere safe.
Then when it emerges, smile :) and tell yourself... it was beautiful while it lasted.

These quites were not taken from the interenet! This comes from my R&D team so please cite my name if you ever need to use them.

Masks

24 September 2009, marks the most emo of days I have had so far in this life.

A rainy morning, quiet school, my music.

At the fav spot in school, the bench side the coffee machine, I bought a cup of coffee which ended up without milk and sugar, (I assure it was not m intention when I presses coffee with milk and sugar.) I guess that just reflects how i'm feeling. In life you need something, it varies from people to people, some need friends, some need food, some need love, some just need oxygen and from my module of New Media people nowadays tend to need their handphones.

The coffee represents what I need and I have it but with the joy of having (sugar) or the dreams or future I can pin my hopes on (cream).

I cannot tell you how much enjoyment it brings to me whenever i'm alone in school on this bench very early in the mornings. But something is lacking, something I have yet to find in this University of Stairs. So what is it that I'm looking for? Maybe it's for me to know and you to find out, or simply I do not know it as well...

Something that was worth my "The Great Depression Version J" is the fact that I'm actually suffocating in my 'mask'.

I'm sorry my friends, but this 'mask'... I cannot shed. (Lee. JY, 2009)

The mask as mentioned above refers to an act that someone puts up when dealing with other people. Ususally this is done to hide their true personailty, or this is also done so that people who do not naturaly clique together can actually work together or just have conversations.
This mask was developed during my National Service. I realised working with colleagues (no friends in my squaron except for the guys who sat on the same long table as me which include some officiers as well) you need to protect yourself, in a sense that you cannot show them who you really are or you just did not have a chance to... The mask develops into maturity with my ORD date and fortunately, or unfortunately, I brought it to school...

Wore it during orientation week.
The trasition from NS to school within a day wasn't easy, even now I still have problems with it. Orientation was suppose to let folks get to know more people. That was what I wanted and that was what happened. However, I found out the difference between poly people and jc people. Generally it's not a good or bad thing. It's like 2 differnt culture come together and see each other as weird. Since poly people were outnumbered 100 to to 1, we were like Aliens. The mask helped bridge the connect from me to them, but what they saw wasn't me...

Then came the joining of the MC which deserves its' own story but I would not speak of it now. Being once in the SIT club in poly, organizing events was the only thing I took with me when I left Poly alongside with friends that I couldn't live without and special ones as well. I wanted the same for Uni, to find people that I could be close to, talk to, have fun with and hang around with. The fun times in Club activities would never leave me for as long as I live. These memories are so fresh, I sometimes wonder what is happening to us now(the poly people). Maybe reailty just got the better of us.

So I joined the MC, firstly it wasn't what I was expecting. Lots of long useless meetings that wasted everyone's time were carried out. I gave it a chance, I did, but it just seems that these meetings are only getting more frequent.
Then comes the second issue, the people. The people are fun loving people, but something just lacks here. It wasn't the same as what I had in mind. I reminded myself not to compare, as dwelling on the past will only cloud your future (Lee. JY, 2008). I too gave that a chance. My mask is doing it's job, it tried to bridge the connections. But it seems that the more I try, the hard it gets and the mask would get thicker. I know the problems if I were to shed this mask, nothing would come out of it. What I will reveal will identify me and also seperat me from the rest.
Work starts to pile, from the MC and as well as my modules. I miss my friends, those whom i can laugh with. I haven't been laughing ever since I came here. The kind of laughter that would bring tears to my eyes, the kind of fun that I would gladly stay in school till very late for. I guess that's just the past and I don't forsee finding any here. I hope I do, I really do, the chances are slim but I will search. They say it's the darkest when you are nearest to the light house, but what if i'm going the wrong direction? Suddenly It just sounds so sad I can feel that tears are gathering at my eyes.

The mask is so thick now it is killing me, I miss the days when I didn't have it. Just to name a few people who have made a difference in my life.

Xavier, for always being there to make really funny jokes, I'll never get anything from any other people now. When there was no one to laugh at your jokes I'm alway the one laughing away. You are the best at what you can do man! Of course there were also the days when you were known as sandman. hahaha doesn't that bring back memories? The back stage which we made a lot of jokes about almost anything we could find. The most memorial was the actual finale day when you had to make a costume change and I was rushing to the other side of the stage. We went past each other running and the best high 5 was created then... I remember we cried so much we though we ran out of tears, but my friend... How come I can still get tears when I type this? haha....

Kah yip, aka sky, aka chicken wing, you have a lot of names bro... Remember you used to be so zai in doing all the ninja stuff huh. Stole my cheer somemore then it became yours'?! wth man give credit leh! Our malaysia trips ahah thanks for dricing us around. Your lousy jokes played as a catalyst for us to make BIGGER jokes. The dodge ball hitting your face with all the water flying around was damn power man, I can see it as I'm writing this. Remember the pic where three of us IC were on level 5 of NYP BLK L when there was still an open air space? Loved that picture. Three Incharge, VoiceOut, PhatNight, BandzOut. We were so zai then. I look at Uni now and wonder how did we make all our events so successful? I think it was the people. Yes definitely the people...

Nat! The pirate ah! hahah You were always around as well, doing all the funny thing alongside xavier. I have nothing uch to describe here but I just wanted to say thank you if you ever read this, cos I know you dun read blogs...

Andrew. ANDREW!!! Gemini friend, let's emo together. How come you are not here when i'm in super emo state. So much to talk about that I can't put them down into words. Your rubbish also priceless one. Your AP also, it was so AP that it was actually entertaining. I remember when we were CLEARING the clubroom! We wore a AP tag and started throwing things out one by one. Now i'm in your shoes, need to do clean up but it not exciting at all. It's more like a chore now. Why? I have no idea. I thought it would be fun but no. I am feeling now that is a waste of time. I can only go with the flow, I feel that it is not my show. There is no ownership. Maybe I just need time, but time will erode even the last bit of my feeling of belonging here. The only thing time will make people want to go back in time. Time is special, it will cover up the pain in the past and torture you with the beautiful and sweet times you have had. Then these happy times would pull the sad times out and crush you from within. It's invading me today and I think I am losing. andrew come and save me andrew! We go gambling ship leh play your fav blackjack, more or less then 12 is it? and to see all the color changing jackpot machines and feeling sea sick. Qing Chun Shao Nian Chu! *hand in the air*. Of course not foretting your welfare for us during the club times. I'm in that position now as well, the andrew in NUS but I dun wanna give a fuck. I really don't. My AP tag is bigger then you but I can't show it. It will cause too much pain.

othing much to say but you deserved a spot here as well.

To my fellow actors of finale, you guys were the best. Sorry for making everyone rehearse every to such unholy hours. Thank you for staying, thank you for all the support. It was a lot to ask for, but you guys gave all that you could. If it was for the skid, you are very responsible, if you stay because for me... I cannot thank you enough. I should have treat all to dinner now that I think of it....

To my Phat night team... thank you for all the support as well. As an incharge I know I didn't do anything. I overlooked, I didn't act or put on any mask because I thought that was how things should have been. Sometimes I wasn't there when you guys were having trouble. But I know that you guys were there when I needed you people. Thanks for painting the tree people and the only photo of the tree was the one with merv beside it. I didn't think I ill treat anyone right? Lollipop for everyone! haha and thank you Sharon for the bandongs you bought for me.

And Mei Ling, the bear bear. Ha ha I don't know how to put this in words. Just wanted to say... I'm sorry.
for the things I had not done.
Thank you for sticking around for the finale skit.
Thank you for all the happy things to remember when I look back now.
Do you still bite your straws? :) I do now. every straw I get my mouth on.
So much little things I can remember you for... I guess it will just remind with me till forever.
The brown jacket... teddy bears.
I still miss you, I really do... I've always felt this way but never said it.
Wishing you all the best.

The mask is getting heavier, I want to put it down.
The mask is getting thicker, I can't breathe anymore.
The mask never rests, I'm afraid that I would not be the deciding to remove it soon.
I'm scared. Very scared.

There is one good thing in uni is that. I found someone that I can actually share these deep thoughts of mine. To talk the things that I have been covering up, the thoughts that I go through whenever I make decisions. I want to share them.

千金易得，知自难求
Now I know what that means.

The rain has stopped, it is still cold. Cold is good. It reflects what I'm feeling inside.

Talk with Kah Yip a little, haha that workaholic. Feeling a bit better now. Thanks Jia Ye you dunno how much that call affected me sia.

In you and me; That Rock Song

Wished that there was something we got together for,
Something simple, something magic, something big.
We look back and without a doubt we can hear it in our heads.

It's that Rock Song!
It brings out how we feel, chases the sad away
Any season, anyday, any moment, in everyway.
It's that Rock Song!
It's that Rock Song!
Oooooh~ It's that Rock Song!!!

Doesn't matter what it is,
Metal, jazzy, rap and bluez
It might even sound like this,
Hey! It's might even be Clas-si-cal!

Doesn't matter what you do,
Right now you'll should sound like this:
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na Hey!!!

Finish: OKAY!

Upside down

When the world turns upside down


The rain from yesterday didn't smell the same,
Things that were there ain't no more.
People you know, people you see.
Never were there, never wil be.

Dash out the door, fly through the streets.
Reaching for freedom, Racing against the rest.
Fool's race it was, if all is lost if it be won.
Suddenly all goes black, Everything turns Upside Down!

When thr word turns UpSide Down,
Never felt likehis before, Up is Down and Down is Up
Swim on land and Walk on sea.
That's What happens when
The world Turns UPSIDE DOWN!

Playback

Once I felt the world changing,
It was however nothing(more then a ) but a dream.

Where were the songs we used to sing?
They have been washed down a stream,
A stream called time.

Can we bring yesterday back around?
The things we used to hear when we wake up
Never could we be graced with this sound.

Can we bring yesterday back around?
Everything was so beautiful back then
When can we hit the "playback" button again?

那时候，那地点

当一切只存在记忆里，
回想只让它更深固。
不是偶然，也不是反常，
我们的画面成了水里的倒影。
那一天，那地点，我们第一次见面


回忆里，那首歌，我们一起唱的歌。
是不是还留在我们的心里徘徊着。
但时间，不懂累，一直跑在我们前。
跟随的只剩留恋。

那时候，那地点，我们会不会再见。
软弱的笑和泪建设成薄薄的失恋。

TBC.

Change.

This post has been given "change" as a title. As simple as it seems. Change can means a lot of things.

But first of let's have a thought of the day(or night in this case). Get it?! Oh nevermind...

Sometime in a point in life, perhaps you have thought that you are actually good at something and others may have commented that you are the best or something along that line.

Or you have competed within your own group of peers, be it a class or a play group of MMO players, and you dicover you are the best.

Thing is, it does not make you the best. It just makes you better then the people you know.

Take it like this. By competing within your own set of peers, you are just in a small pond. The thought itself that you are the best will be eaten in the sea. Well at least i've have. Ha ha but at least not in the sea lah in the next bigger pond.

When you think that you are the best, look a little further and you realise that you are just so small in this world.

But however! If you ever achieve the best, you are probably lonely. At least that's what they usually project in those chinese wo xia flims lah.

Well if you have read the above and realised that you are in that kind of situation, don't wait till it strikes you one day when you eventually enter the sea.

Learn it from others and start to CHANGE.

That brings us into the topic today/tonight: Change.

Change should occur when one realise that something is wrong or when on feels uncomfortable with what he/she has around him/her.

It maybe a change in the environment or the other way round, a change made within the person to suit the environment. For some change takes time, some wait till the new year and set a goal or changes he/she wants to achieve. Whereas some does it on the spot right here right now.

Now, some may agree that changing slowly is the right way to do it since you give yourself or your body/mind time to adapt to the new suround or practices that you may have changed.

For others, instant changes would make them happier or feeling more statified.

My point of view is that changes sometimes taken too long a time will result in the giving up of the actual idea of the change. Where as some changes really really need time. I can't think of any examples that require time to change but instant change are always best if one can sort of "sustain" it.

无名

无名


让你走，是我不能拥有。
当时以为爱要自然，不去多探。
那年，真想牵着你的手。
现在只剩下愁优。

是我笨，不懂的珍惜你的人。
当时的感情很深，只是我不懂得疼。
你的声音，你的笑，一直在我身围绕。
只是现在的你我再也不能要。

我只想让你知道，要你珍惜他的好。
趁经你是我需要，可是
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

那一天，那地点。

当一切只存在记忆里，
回想只让它更深固。
不是偶然，也不是反常，
我们的画面成了水里的倒影。

那一天，那地点，我们第一次见面。
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

07112007 2123

Thoughts weaved as I took the trip home from Air Force School.

The friends that we meet along our lives;
Are they just mere passer-bys they we just happen to cross paths with?
Or they walk along side you for as long as the friendship can hold?

I feel, friends that appear in your life is like you taking a bus.
No one knows who the driver is, you are one of the passengers that board it.

Different buses represent different phrases of your life, be it from Primary school to Secondary school or even to National Service.

These buses that we would board have different passengers.

You board a bus, get to know the people on the bus. Some of them you would dislike and others you woule find something special in them.

The thought that came to me was, at these certain phases of life, some of the passengers you have had met before would cross paths with you. Does it mean that the friendship would be "renewed" or would it be strengthened?

Friends that we make in life, happens so that we always stop seeing each other after alighting these different "buses". Yes, we do keep in touch. However the things we do are never going to be the same again.

Surely everyone has experienced this before. "Missing the good old times." "Ah how I wish that we could do what we used to do again." These few sentences would submerge whenever we see old friends.

Strangely the only things we seems to share are simply put, "update" of our current lives and the experience we had in the previous "bus".

Is it what we are looking for?
Wouldn't it be nice for us to get together again and do the things we used to do?

No, would be the answer usually to the question.

The current situations don't allow it or we have all grown up.

Then again what does growing up mean?
Does it mean to leave old friends behind? Does it mean to just be able to update each other on what we are doing?

Keep in touch! Let's meet up again!

Often said but lost in time. Time and the hectic lifestyle slowly erodes old friends away. Making them seem far away.

These may seem like just plain old rubbish but hey, these thoughts are swimming in my head as I type.

This may not have a concludsion but at least I gave it "form".

朋友是永远的吗？
我想是的吧。
只是时间把所有遗忘。
再见！再见！
真得会再见吗？

不想把一切忘掉、只想把时间留着。
让它停留，让泪和笑再型成。
回忆只会让我们模糊，看不清楚前面的路。
是否未来幸福，我只能一步一步。

18.6.2007

Now the feeling is like half of the world that are gone for no reason. Ha ha.. Suddenly all my friends are gone msn is dead now. People msg-ing me telling me "Seeya man". With me telling them to call me when they get out. It's feels kinda funny. Others would tell me "Brother! It's my last day liao lah. It's over man!" You're not gonna DIE dude! LoL

Me and my band ate inside a MRT station a few days ago. It was my most exciting meal ever! Everytime the announcement says Pls do not eat and that stuff we shift place. There were cameras around! lol... and Yes we ate INSIDE the MRT station. Not just snakcs but a complete MEAL. 2 piece chicken meal if u have to know hahah.

Been chionging blood+ untill now a bit sick too heaty, I think.

Currently listenning to This love 3rd ending of blood+. Nice; my kind of stuff.

Music Mood: Anything slow. I think This Love is 3/4

11 June 2007

OMG.. I am sitting here with my labtop in my room with my Desktop DEAD. It's dead for dunno what reason. This was what happened.

I decided to download drawn of mana from PS2 and I alo found the para para PS2 game ISO whihc i happily d/l-ed and told myself "Finally"!

Then I went for a shower.

THEN! I came bacand OMG! It's the blue screen of SUPER DEATH man!!! The sort that when you change an incompetible RAM into a old motherboard. Some sort of error when you did not initalise an Array while programming 0x00000000 error-dunno-what-the-hell. Wah lau eh.... Then ok lah restart lo. Restart liao I thought that it would revert into the normal computer when i got the error. But NO!

NO man. No... At first it starts but after it tried tostart Windows, it restarts by itself! Holy shit... 100% restart rate man. Si bei sian...

Anyone can help me?!!!? My bro says that his friends experienced it as an over heat of the computer but I don't hink so.... Anyone can help? :(

Music Mood: 2/4 Rock

Today also went over to Mel's place to tune my drums. The snare took like 1 and a half hours but it still ends up sounding like "Teug" instead of the correct "Tuck" well, at least I made it sound a LITTLE bit right. Ha Ha.

Rhythm of Life

Well... I guess i decided to revert my Blog to what it originally was. At least that's what made me feel better so I went ahead and 'destroy' the KH skin. It is now 11pm and i want to sleep already...

Rhythm of Life; something I hope to find within my drumming experiences that I am trying to get as much as possible.

Maybe I don't have a goal, maybe I don't even have a cause. Some might see it as 'Aiya! This guy too free lah then go learn drumming then after that will quit de lah'. For me, it is something i picked up when I had the free time yes, there are LOTS of other things that i picked up and throw away within just a few days. But this s different, with my band members going all out as well, this is will be different.

Times I find myself doing something maybe not for myselfbut for others. Friends are my source of motivation in my case. To do something alone would probably never work for me. It is quite dumb for me to delete the WHOLE sentence just because i missed out on letter at the start of the sentence LoL Wth.... Ah sorry got a little off track, but hey it's TRUE(and i just did it! I missed out the letter 't' in litte Damn it!)

With the hope that i can find what i would like to call the Rhythm of Life through drumming is something I thought of while just sitting down and letting my mind run.(or A.K.A. I was in the toilet) It might have been something that i thought of just to make it sound cool? or just an 'excuse' to let myself continue learning and improving on my drumming skills? I don't know man. I guess time will tell.

Time will tell...

About a little of what happenned in my life today was i went to the AMK arcade and i decided to play DM but no sticks lah so i used the in-house sticks. They were HEAVY! OMG! I think I'm used to my light sticks that i can't even play without them. Heh, It's the beginning of our journey uh, My drumsticks...

ok sleeep liaozz,

In Tune, Rythm of Life.

I miss school

I miss school i really do. Things that happen to you when you are bored.

Dream journal

All i remembered from last night's dream was...

She and I took a bus, went to a mall to see whether her great aunt was there.
It was like a gamble. If her great aunt was there, she would be gone.

As we reached the mall the bunch of us walk toward the shop whihc the great aunt was working at. She was nervous, we held hands as we walked.

Into the shop we went. At first glance she wasn't there. Sighs of relieve came through for both of us. But a second check upon the shop proved otherwise.

I ask her to leave with me. She refused; saying that it was the other end of the bargain.
We then set off for the bus stop. There, we sat facing each other. She was quiet.

I said, " It was possible between us."

Her eyes were sad. Our forheads met, I help both of her hands up and brought it up between us.

"I will wait for you."


THEN i woke up woah raining sia... then go back sleep see the dream wil continue or not. Then i dun think got continue ah. dreamt of her clinging on me then we swimming then dunno wad. then woke up @ 1230. still raining. So nice to sleep man

私の夢

Had a dream last night, it was the memories of the SIT orientation back when I was an OGL. Time does fly huh...

The memories of the days came to 'haunt' me. A good thing? Might it be a curse? I do not know.
It is a never ending cycle. Go through it, hate it, leave it, miss it, cherish it.
Songs and voices from my memories, echo through my head. Seemed so real, I feel like crying.
People I've seen, places I've been, only sums up as a sweet sweet dream.

When I woke up, everything's gone. Faded away, never to return.
Faded to a place called Memories, a place where most beauty would be.
As I sat on my bed, wondering, wondering if I had cried in my sleep.
すてきだね~ I finally understood what it meant.

The lousiest chain mail

I have recieved the funniest chain mail EVER! LoL

Check this out folks:




Is this ent by the hotmail staff? Looks like it... But!
Send it to fifteen people? If this news is that important why doesn't hotmail send it to everyone? That number one.

Secondly, this is a picture. Photoshop? I highly suspect it.

Third and lastly, upon checking the first mail that sent this dates back to 20 jan 2007. which is almost one month from now... Will hotmail spend one month just to check who has been using thei accounts and who isn't? I think not.

24 hours huh... Nah~

Die chain mails.

A song for Excos 2005/06

A song that I would like to share with the excos 2005/06...

Your Heart Will Lead You Home

Sunny days and starry nights
And lazy afternoons
You're countin' castles in the clouds
And hummin' little tunes
But somehow, right before your eyes
The summer fades away
Everything is different
And everything has changed

If you feel lost and on your own
And far from home
You're never alone, you know
Just think of your friends
The ones who care
They all will be waiting there
With love to share
And your heart will lead you home

Funny how a photograph
Can take you back in time
To places and embraces
That you thought you'd left behind
They're trying to remind you
That you're not the only one
That no one is an island
When all is said and done

If you feel lost and on your own
And far from home
You're never alone, you know
Just think of your friends
The ones who care
They all will be waiting there with love to share
And your heart will lead you home

There'll come a day
When you're losing your way
And you won't know where you belong
They say that "Home is where the heart is"
So follow your heart
And know that you can't go wrong

If you feel lost and on your own
And far from home
You're never alone, you know
Just think of your friends
The one who care
They all will be waiting there
With love to share
And your heart will lead you

If you feel lost and on your own
And far from home
You're never alone, you know
Just think of your friends
The ones who care
They all will be waiting there
With love to share
And your heart will lead you
Where you belong
I know your heart will lead you home

If anyone interested to get the song can msg me on msn...
(Damn it how you put music on blog ah?)