Admit it. Go ahead, it's okay.

Woke up this morning with rain and a cold bed. Had a semi nightmare, where I was caught doing something i shouldn't. Or rather, I should say, I was caught doing something that I THINK I shouldn't be doing. Something that brought shame upon me as a grown up Chinese. We Chinese do not take shame lightly. All our lives, we've been taught that shame is the worse form of punishment. Well at least that's the impact on me.

Having been taught that shame is not desired, freezes us in our tracks. It tells us to stay safe. Stay where you know you have control, but that kind of lifestyle bores me. So now i'm stuck bored and afraid.
This is where the title of the post comes in, we gotta Admit it!

Like say you fuck it up. Somethings went wrong and you were the cause of it. You go like, Omg shit did I just do something wrong. omgomgomg. During all of those thoughts, you would quickly try to think of something to blame or someone to take your shit for you. We try that to avoid getting shamed for something we did wrong. Sometimes, you get to find something to blame, and well, sometimes you don't. It's just you and nothing else. My favorite is to give the blame to technology. The upload failed, the email failed to send. The exporting of the video was glitchy. It was corrupted when I sent it over. Google drive hang on me Etc..

I find that technology is easy to blame on because there is nothing anyone else can do to validate that that did not happen! There is no way that you can go around and say, let me ring google up. Let me check if the email servers actually stopped your mail from going out. Trace your IP back to where your office is and say, hey you didn't send anything you cunt.

Technology just conveniently stopped when you needed it the most. Such coincidence. But people don't usually read too much into it. They would say oh it's ok just send it again. No biggie. But what happen inside us, is that we go like ohhhhh shit i nearly screwed it up. Phew, thank God for Technology.

We come out unhurt and that's where the problem starts. We get used to doing it. Sub consciously we think that there is always a way out. No worries. I always have something to blame. The problem with this, is that we don't learn anything from them! We fault and learn nothing. I think that is pretty bad as much as long term "self-investment" goes. Valuable lesson for me were from screw ups that I knew I totally did the wrong thing.

For example, once I screwed up a job because I didn't know how to use the sound recorder. I should have been more careful when I was using it. I should have tested it and understood how it worked before I went head on with it. Come to think of it now, perhaps the lesson was not how to use the product but instead, how to handle unknown situations. There was a item that I didn't know how to use and caused me the screw up. If I had made sure that I could use the product correctly, I would have had no problems in the shoot. This is a big Ah HA moment for me but I am not sure how long it will sustain me. After a few weeks, I would have forgotten what I talked about and carry on with life.

So if there's anything that I want to talk to about today, is that we shouldn't be afraid to make mistakes. But the more important part of that is to actually admit it. Say I fucked up. People wouldn't judge you too much on that. Take the blame. Shoulder it. And be a better person right here right now.

Say I'm sorry, I fucked up.

After a few years, I guess we have all come back to the same place.

Things change, people come into and leave our lives but that doesn't change who we are and the struggles that we get hit by again and again.

The last time I had a struggle was back in the university days, I remember the article that I wrote was titled "Masks" or something like that. I spoke of wearing a mask to deal with people everyday and how it was killing me from the inside.

I got over it eventually and now, a years later, I get hit by something else.
I would think that it is of the same type of struggle.

I found myself asking the question: What am I good at?
When things are going good, me being busy and all, I don't think of these things. I let it flow and try to answer every questions that life throws at me. Until one day, life stops throwing things at me and left me wondering what am I doing? or what should I be doing?

I think it's more cruel to leave me stranded like this compared to giving me difficult puzzles to solve.

A little background of what I have been doing:
I a freelance Videographer, I take videos of events or involve myself to any video production required by clients. Then on the side, I actually got sponsored to play darts by a dart company! How cool is that?

But then it hit me.

Where do I see myself in the future? Is the video business sustainable? What will darts bring for me?

I tried to find the answers that I seeked and tumbled upon a book called strengths Finder 2.0. This book helps one find their strengths and advices that one should work on what they were good at instead of working on their weaknesses.

The strenghts that I found myself having are
Adaptability
Empathy
Ideasation
Individualization
Communication

Basically, what I can see from this is that I can work in a emvironment where shit happens all the time. I know how poeple are feeling. I am excited by ideas. And I believe everyone is their own and they have their own strengths and weaknesses so I know how to give them task according to that information.
Plus I can talk to people well.

I actually have more or less known those things for a while. But I have not been able to find 'work' that taps into those strengths of mine.
Videography doesn't use any of those traits unless i'm dealing with clients. Come to think of it, initially I wanted to be the one going out to meet clients and getting the jobs for my co partner to work on them. Seems like being alone has changed that. One idea is to get more jobs and get a team to do it!

Perhaps I could go ahead with the CBD area and doing interviews! I think that might work. I need to come up with a system that allows videograpehrs to come back and easily upload their work and then work on them. Should the shooters be the editors? Or we can shift the work between the people.

Either way, this will require me to start a company witha  offfice space and also start getting employees. I guess I could work with video people and allow them to pick up their own jobs. As long as they get mine done. Being in CBD will mean that fast turn over is key. Big companies in CBD that deal with finance will be my audience. How often will they need video pumped out? I have to go and find that out.

I can provide equipment as well for my employees. Should they work under me or be a butterfly? Allowing them to work as they please will bring down my overhead cost.
Why not? Where to start? Those are the questions that I will need answers now. Because this is in line with what I am already doing and it will be easier to start.
I have to get more contacts. Relentless. No more just floating around waiting for shit to happen. I will make shit happen. It's gonna rain folks and i'm gonna drink the rain.

Being ready

Some people say that opportunities will come when you are ready, but the question that I want to ask is how can you be ready when you do not know what you are gonna be ready for?

It is always easier and more straightforward when you know what you are preparing for. Like say you really want to be part of a performance, you prepare for it, then when you are given the chance, you take it.

But when you don't have anything that you want to do, it becomes very troublesome.

Hmmm.. After typing all these, I came to the conclusion that the important part of all these is that one needs to know what one wants. If not there is nothing to be prepared for.

This search will go on and I will read more books.

Goals and decisions

Things have been quite messy for me these days. And that is why i haven't been able to blog and write down my feelings as often as I wanted to.

After typing that sentence, I have come to realised that it was not because of the fact that I was too busy. It was due to the fact that I have gone into the mode of "Floating". What do I mean by floating, let me explain. Floating is a state where you are doing things on auto pilot mode. You no longer think/know why you are doing it. You are just doing things to perhaps fill up your time or using that activity to avoid the challenges you are facing. Things that are done during the floating state is not productive nor does it serve a purpose in your life. When I mean productive, I am saying that the activity does not make you a better person by your own standard. It doesn't change anything nor does it puts you forward towards a goal. Something this can be seen as being "lost". You suddenly are not wiling to take the appropriate effort and time to persuade something that you truly enjoy.

For me it is singing. Sometimes, I go late for class thinking that it is alright. I have no idea why! I mean, for me, being late is a problem. If one reaches an appointment on the dot, he/she is considered late. It has come to a point whereby I could tell myself that it was alright to go a little later even though I know that it is not right. Decisions get messed up when one is in a float state. People naturally would not put effort into something that he/she does not enjoy or see no point in doing. But when that goal is clear, he/she will be able to make that decision very very easily. To go or not to go. It is that simple. If going makes you a little better and that is what you want, then do it! If not, there would be no reason to go.

To be clear of that goal will need practice. I for one, will lose sight of my goals very often. I get into the  float state very easily. The only saving grace I have is that I am conscious of it when it happens. I am at times, able to bring myself back on track. But it is a very tiring process. From on track to float to track again. I could probably identify some problems that have contributed to this cycle. Perhaps it is that I do not REALLY know what I want from the last time I set myself on the track or my perseverance is very low. Something like when I do something and it does not have immediate results, I tend to get impatient and look for something else thinking that this is not the solution that I am looking for.

To touch on further about me seeing something as not a solution, I look at my gaming habits. When a certain character does not seem to work for me, it get bored and proceed to switch to another. I put in some hours to learn the moves and combos and off I go,; thinking that this is the solution that I am looking for. I have went from king to steve to dragonov to feng. Swee has not touched anyone else except Asuka. His familiarity of Asuka grows each day and for me to learn so many characters, results in me not seeing progress. The progress shows itself in the first few sessions of training, because I am a fast learning and things some to me rather fast, so I see fast results. I get satisfied with the fast results and tell myself that, hey this might be just what I am looking for! But things don't turn out that way. After a short lived victory, things would go down hill from there. I have learned about the character only on the surface but have not fully explored the character.
This transcends into work, in the beginning I thought to myself it was ok to get a low pay as long as I enjoyed the work. Things then started to change, I was not as motivated at work and I am starting to complain on the low pay that I am receiving. So am I telling myself that I made a wrong decision the first time? Or my priorities have simply changed. Perhaps I now understand that money is very important and I would need more to save up for that flat or family that I am preparing to start. Or perhaps I now understand that the people there more and it does not fit my taste.

today after hearing my best friend's gf's dad talk about the character in people, I wanted to give the job a second chance. What I got from the talk was that when you do good, when people know that you are reliable and will be able to stand in if ever another needs to do something else, you will be 'seen' and people would know that this guy has the right attitude. For one thing, I know that I was not putting in my all and things became half fucked after a while. My thinking was, hey if the other party is not gonna support me, then I am not going to support him/her! It doesn't make sense to be the one getting abused right. I have come to a conclusion that I will be the one to tell him/her that I am capable and will be able to deliver. Saying is one thing, but delivering is another.

What I want to do now, is to ask myself again, what is it that I want? and what do I need to do in order to achieve that. I dream. A lot. So much that I am always looking at the clouds as I walk the Earth. NO stairs or ladders built to even attempt to reach the clouds. All I did was say what kind of plans I had but I never acted on them. For once I shall help others to help myself.

I will look deeper into king/armour king and ryu. What is the goal in this one? For one I would like to be on equal footing with bugis people. So I can make my own TTT2 card!
I will be looking at singing more seriously. (In order to achieve my desire to sing live at bars. Because I want peple to enjoy my singing)
Work wise, work out what do I want to learn in the currently company and where would I be going next. Once my goals are set, decisions will be easy. The moment you cannot decide, it would mean that the goal in that aspect of thought is not strong or you don't have a goal for that activity.

In the darkness bind them

So I have started work for almost 2 weeks now. What is amazing is that, I have also started learning to love myself more a few weeks back. When I was still on holidays, it was much easier to look at myself again and slowly rework and re engineer myself. Now that's where the challenge comes!

The challenge is that, I noticed as I started work, it was fun. Things were fresh and I really loved what I was doing. Then as time pass, I started to realize something. I realized that each day in and day out, I was doing the same things! I would wake up go to work then come home have a dinner and a slow shower then I would watch some SC2 or SF4 vids then dota for a while and sleep. The scary part is, it REPEATS for a few days! Yes, being structured is one thing but i can't live like that forever! I have to take control of my life. I was this close to being a robot and be slaved to the mindless system.

I went to read on loving myself again and tried to seek inspiration. Not seek, it was more like lost and found. The inspiration was lost because I had to be at a stipulated time and place (my work place) thus, I lost myself. I slowly slipped away. Not giving a thought to is this how I envision it to be.

I didn't think so.

So! Today, after reviewing my goals and how i want my life to be, I have found my inspiration back. And it is though the delivery of a performance with all my heart. My main goal is to make people happy. It goes back to the 享受. I was listen to Mr. Children's Hanabi. And I remember why I love the song. It was not the melody or the lyrics. It was how they performed. They were all smiles and joy. The audience felt it, I felt it. It was indeed form their hearts. Then I remember the class mate I have that first had me feeling that way. I want to bring that kind of feeling to people.

And I can actually do that with my job! It is also something I enjoy doing. Pleasing people with my sincerity. Perhaps I have had enough of bullshit. Trying to out smart systems or people. Trying to prey on what their weak points and exploiting them. I want to send emails that mean something. I mean, why so serious?!

There are obstacles however, at work superiors want things a certain way and I want things in another. Some are worry warts, some are anal, some just want to make profits. I feel that I do not worry enough and I should improve on it. Not in a sense that I should start being very worried about a lot of things. It is more like creating a better awareness of what I should be doing and know the date lines. For one thing, I work well with date lines. If things don't have a date line, I probably wouldn't deliver. It is not in a negative sense, it is more like, small goals for me to reach bigger ones. I was once told them I am a task oriented person. I perform upon tasks given. Which is true, I would have to agree to that. If I don't have a task, I simply wouldn't be doing it. I shall then set task for myself. Create them. Like placing the foot in front of the other.

For work, I wil make emails fun.
And for those things that I do not have control over, I will find out what the other party wants and act accordingly. Having my ideas is one thing but I don't think I have the right to over write others as of now in the company. I mean, who is this guy who has only been here for 2 weeks trying to do huh? I have been here for a few years! Yes indeed, you could say that they are not open to change or they have the old bird syndrome. You can be pissed about it or simply respect them for being old birds. I think i would do the latter.
I am not a machine and I will take control over my life.
Working is different from schooling and from being on a holiday. But I will face it. And derive fun from it.

Marketing and my design work

Last night I was having some drinking with my cma classmates over at clarke quay. We were talking about how out final year projects and was checking out how each and everyone's project had been going. So when it came to me, I was talking about how my ideas were good but my work simply does not do justice to my thoughts. I had great ideas, that' what I have been told. But I didn't have the visuals to show it. So Joyce(One of my classmates) gave me some insights to this problem that I had. It was a problem cause, it wasn't like I didn't care (well ok to a certain extend I didn't really care) but it was more like I would stare at the work and nothing comes to my mind! Unlike ideas that flow out like water from a broken dam.

She was saying that I should be looking into the visuals and I said yes i agree, but I just didn't have any ideas on that! Things just don't come to me at all! It seemed like she totally understood where my problem lies. She told me, you have to see the visuals of things as important enough so that your campaign can be successful. She continued, the visuals are important in a sense that if your visuals are not there, it doesn't even matter if your campaign idea is cool as shit, people are not going to be interested in attending the campaign in the first place! You have to see the visuals as an important aspect of the whole campaign.

After hearing that, I felt that what she said was true and it totally hit me in the head. I discovered the reason why I couldn't get any ideas for visual is because I didn't see it as important! I didn't think that it would be something that, for a lack of a better word, deserve my attention. Joyce then was telling me how the visuals will be that one that would give the ROI for campaign. How many people would be going and stuff. So without these visuals, your campaign idea can be great but it would be a great pity that no one appears for it.

I have another 2 weeks to the EPA, where external peeps are coming over to look at our campaigns and give feedback. Indeed, the last thing that I would want is for them to think that they are wasting their time listening to me. It's my last effort required for cma and hey, why not just give it one last solid shot huh. No harm in that really. So now I have to look at my campaign and see how I can make it integrated. More solid in a sense that it should be well thought of. Instead of things just being there. So! When can I start doing it? I can start right now. But since I already had plans I should be more practical. I am heading out for the whole day tomorrow as well. so that's a nono. Monday is good, I would be taking a break to collect my passport. Tuesday, a break for my interview. Wed I have something but I cannot remember!!shitt

Oh she was saying dun be too smart also Like dun act smart too much. Just be smart. Yeah kinda like my flaw ah. Shall talk about it more when I have time! Now I gotta run!!

Gonna be singing in a while

Just a little while later, I am going over to some CC that is so far away, I have no idea whether i'll be safe or not. LoL. The previous post I was talking about how I was inspired to sing in such a way that I can allow the people to feel the 享受-ness. Well just a few more hours later is my chance at trying my hands at it. Hopefully, I would be able to even sing in the first place. I'm not too sure of the arrangements but I was told to prepare a song "just in case".

So here I am, not too sure whether I should let the just incase happen or to hope that it doesn't. For one thing, I haven't been practicing a lot. Strictly speaking, I did have sometime to practice the song but I didn't. Those pockets of time, I used them for something else. I'm not too sure what but it just wasn't singing. Not too sure if I should feel guilty about that though. Its like I usually practice singing when I have a lot of time. Idle enough to think "Hey I should practice my singing".

Now I think back at why I took up singing, it was because I wanted an instrument that I could play when I was traveling. At first I was thinking of the harmonica. Which is still an interesting instrument! Which I might wanna learn it but piano take priority over any other instrument that I wanna learn. WELL! Back to prep talking myself for the performance.

I have issues with the rhythm when the music is soft. Plus not to mention my pitching as well. Then I realized, it was not that I couldn't catch the pitch nor I just couldn't understand the beats. It was more of a problem of confidence. I found out that when I do things that I had confidence in, it was more natural and things turn out to be well, better! Or if the way I did it was wrong, I easily learnt from them because I could put all I know into the performance or the activity that I did. When I give all I know, I then know what I can improve and what I am doing ok. When the issue of confidence stands in the way, all I get are lessons that I have already learnt. I know why it is happening, I know how to counter act on them. It's like every time I perform, I do the same things over and over. I think this rolls over to other tings I do as well. Presentations, No problem! I have enough confidence in that and I think I am the most ocnfident when I'm doing a presentation. I know what to prepare, what I need to know and what I need to do. I should put these practices into my singing! and maybe gaming as well.

To those people who say gaming is a waste of time, I agree and disagree. First of all I would like to clarify what is a game... Hmm I should save this for the next post! Genius. Ok you guys would have to hang on to your shoes for this one.

So I would want to give a performance where the people can enjoy. But first I  would have to enjoy it myself! Like 2 days back when my Uni friends and I had a house party. Few of us knew how to play the guitar and so we went at it. I sang all sorts of weird stuff, going into imprompto attempts to change the lyrics without knowing the tune. I just followed the chords. I think I did alright! and when I sang I think I was alright. Strange that the stage that I so love when addressing a crowd could give me the jitters when I'm supposed to do soemthing else there. Think of singing like a different way to talk, a different way to communicate. It is still talking! So I shouldn't have a problem with that. I have the music in me, but when I think too hard, everything goes out the window. So I wil have to go up there and knwo that I can do it and just let my inner self take over and 'communicate!"

Righto. This post was born cos I became distracted when I was suppose to look for inspirations for me design. Designing things don't inspire me. Life and its' challenges do.